Ultimate Joy and Happiness

<---- One of our engagement pictures from last Saturday.

I have been learning some fantastic things about joy the past couple of weeks. The past few weeks have been difficult. Moving... moving... unpacking... and the thermostat in Redding being turned up to "extra hot and toasty" have not really helped with the building frustration. Every morning for the past week I have begun my day by inviting God's presence and joy into my life. It has not been easy. From the moment that I wake up... I have had absolutely no motivation and an extremely lame attitude problem. I press in to God's love for me... and it really seems to help.

Today I was extremely blessed to be able to enjoy some of the fruit from my persistence. There is something very strong inside of me that is radiating with joy!! It seems to be unshakable and I have been able to meet the challenges with a quiet strength that I don't remember having before. I still made mistakes today... I still had "unfun" things to have to face, but in every moment I have had a wonderful awareness that there is no reason that those things should steal my joy.

One of the things that Michael and I are learning from our marriage mentors :required reading: is the effect of a positive and negative attitude on your relationships. If your joy is attached to your circumstance... then the majority of the time even if your circumstances are good... you'll continue to have a negative perspective. However, if your positive attitude is independent of circumstance... life is able to be wonderful no matter what circumstance may try to dictate. I want more of that!!!

Defining the Relationship

I have really been enjoying our Thursday nights with Frank and Amanda! We were not able take the "Defining the Relationship" class at Bethel... because it doesn't even begin until close to the time when we will *hopefully*... be VERY close to getting married. =) So... I bought the DVDs and workbooks and we are going over to Frank and Amanda's once a week. It has already blessed me SO much to be able to talk and share with them... AND listen to the lessons by Danny Silk of course.

Michael and I are also going to begin to meet with a marriage mentor couple. We should be meeting with them for the first time at the end of next week. I am really excited to get to meet with them! I am especially interested to find out how Michael and I scored on our compatibility tests!!! I'm sure we can already guess the areas of our relationship that could use some extra help, but it will be fun to get the results all the same!!!

Marrying Michael?

A question that popped up last week is:

Why am I marrying Michael?


I talked with Michael about it today at lunch. We had a delicious meal at The Downtown Eatery, the sweet potato fries are AMAZING!! Anyhow... his answer is totally different then mine.. its not even funny. It just goes to prove that he is indeed a man and I am indeed a woman. I won't share his answer... if you want to know... then you'll have to ask him. LOL I'm sure he'll love getting asked this question more than once. ;)

So, "Why am I marrying Michael?" I believe that God has an amazing purpose for my life. He has things that he wants for me to do, that no one else on the face of the planet would be able to do. Ya... I'm special... you are too!! =) Michael is the man that God has placed in my life to help me to fulfill that purpose. He has tools, gifts, and insights that are an incredible blessing to me and super supportive on my journey. My relationship with Michael is an adventure that teaches me more and more about relationships each and everyday. That is one of the main reasons that God created us... relationship... relationship with Him and relationship with others. I am making a commitment to carry on with this adventure with him for the rest of my life. Learning together how to pursue God and how to pursue each other. It's lovely learning all of this relationship stuff with Mr. Barnett.

Oh ya and as far as marriage is concerned... it helps that I am MADLY in love with Michael. The passion runs deep my friend. ;)

Dresses and Glory

There are so many wedding plans swirling around... it is AMAZING!!! Everything that Michael has planned for our wedding so far is an absolute dream come true!! I was able to find my wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses on the very first trip out. I can't even begin to express how completely blessed I am. God is giving me more than I could have ever dreamed for. Those small little things, the things that I would be too embarrassed to even say out loud... he's giving me those things too!

This weekend I got to go with my maid of honor, one of my bridesmaids, my grooms mom, my grooms sister, and my step-mom on a trip to find the perfect dress. It was such a wonderful time! I was so excited that everyone was able to come and share in that time.
Okay... time to step back... there is a purpose for me not knowing the date of my wedding. There is a purpose for Michael taking over the responsibility of planning our wedding. I'm supposed to be doing something else... I am supposed to be preparing my heart. What does that look like? To begin I am starting to look deeper inside my heart... "strength-training"... the heart kind. On Sunday I had a vision during worship where God revealed to me that I have NEVER fully experienced his glory. I have had glimpses of it... on the side of my face... on the back of my neck... but I have NEVER come face to face on my knees with his glory. He revealed this to me... because it is going to change. I am going to be hit smack in the face with it... and I'll never want to be away from it again... I will spend the rest of my life seeking His glory.

I haven't been ready, but I will be. He's drawing me closer everyday... he reveals himself more and more all the time. I am going to keep pressing in... I can't wait to see what is around the next bend. So... as the wedding plans move closer... I am trying to keep my focus on drawing closer to God. It's really tough sometimes, I could probably spend A LOT of my time focused on the wedding. Dreaming... dreaming.. dreaming... God give me the strength instead to be preparing... preparing... preparing.

The Presence

I felt the presence of God tonight. It was one of those moments where my heart simply began to ache from the love and peace I was experiencing. I long so much to live in that place... to rest at His feet and take pleasure in His presence.

My core group was tonight. I have been so incredibly blessed by my relationships with these women. I've blogged before about some of the struggles that I have faced in my friendships. I have been an unhealthy person... which led me to pursue and create unhealthy friendships. The dynamic that I have been experiencing in my core group is absolutely indescribable!! I've never felt like this about a group of women before, I walk into a room with them and I feel at peace. I love listening to their stories... and sharing my heart with them. I love being vulnerable with these women... I love being able to rest in their strength.

Praise God for all of the amazing things he has been doing!!! He takes care of me and provides me with all of the desires of my heart. From the smallest moments, to the life altering times... He delights in showing me how much He truly loves me. His anointing is clearly on my life... the blessings have been falling down like rain and I cannot even begin to imagine what he has in store for me next. I am so undeserving... and he loves me anyway. Even in those "hard to swallow" times... they are all just a reminder of how he longs to care for me.

Resting at his feet... I love to lay in his presence... I don't have to do or say anything... he delights in my peace!! =) I am going to seek more of this... I am going to seek more of the simple pleasure of being with Him.

Frustrated

I am frustrated! Grrrrrrr! I don't feel supported... I don't feel like people understand what I want... I don't feel like people feel as though I'm allowed to "want what I want". It's majorly irritating, because when it comes down to it... I care about the opinions of these people. I want for them to be happy for me, and it doesn't look as though that is going to happen.

I totally hate this feeling of helplessness. I'm not really sure how to move forward. I could use some major "sent from above" wisdom.

The Engagement Story

This is a picture of Michael and I when we first started our relationship in December of 2007.

This past memorial day weekend, Michael and I were house-sitting at my Aunt Cyndee's house. It was a blast!!! She has a pool, pond, horse, dogs, property, a beautiful home and we definitely made use of all of it this weekend. On Saturday... I was really struggling with some things... and so I started to talk with Michael about it and be vulnerable with him. We began reading Psalms 40 together (amazing chapter!!!) and praying. In the middle of that, Christian got in trouble and was sitting in time out on the couch. Michael calls Christian over and says, "What would you think about me marrying your Mom?" Christian says, "That would be good, you are nice" haha so cute!! So.... Michael looks at me and says, "I think it is time for you to give me your ring" (you may have to read my post "Discussing Wedding Bells" to know what that means). I don't really know what to do or say... so I just sat there quietly staring at him.

Then Michael asks Christian, "What does a man do when he wants for a woman to marry him?" And Christian replies, "He says 'Can you marry me?'" So... Michael looks at me and says, "Can you marry me?" I start laughing and tell him, "YES!!!!" Then Michael looks at Christian and says, "This is what a man does when he wants for a woman to marry him..." at that point he got down on one knee and said some of the most beautiful, personal, and sweet things I have ever heard!!! At the very end he asked me, "Will you marry me?" I said, "Yes." and jumped into his arms with the hugest smile on my face.

Christian went out and told Cameran and she kept asking, "Really? are they really getting married???" Haha the answer is yes.... we are really getting married. We plan on doing marriage mentoring which will take at least 12 weeks (if anyone knows the people over there, could you give them a nudge on getting back to me!!!). Then after that we will be getting married. I am not going to know the date (again you'll have to refer to my previous post "Discussing Wedding Bells" if you want to know why). So... if you want exact details you will have to ask Michael.

I am so incredibly happy!! I have found the man of my dreams and I anticipate with pleasure the day that our two lives will become one. I ask that everyone pray that I am able to rest and enjoy this season of engagement, because honestly I would love to just run off and marry the man of my dreams tomorrow. I know there is something more than that for me in this season though. Thank you everyone for the congratulations!!! All of the well wishes have blessed me more than you know!!! Being able to feel the love and support of the community around us, is such an amazing encouragement to me!!

Ah yes... and the rumors are true... he did propose when I was without make-up and still in my pajamas. Hehe now that is true love!!!