A Flood of Tears

I'm totally exhausted tonight, but I really feel the need to put some stuff out there. Hopefully it makes sense. If it doesn't I will just have to be blessed by your grace! =P

I feel very alone right now. I think that it is something that most women feel... A LOT. It has nothing to do with the people in my life. Michael is amazing as ever, but there is this sense of loneliness that has been creeping up on me this week. This feeling smacked me across the face tonight and I broke down in tears. I HATE crying. It makes me angry to even think about it. I still have very little desire to be vulnerable in this way. It seems as though Friday is having this effect on me for multiple occasions for some reason. On Fridays I cry.

So... I cried on the phone to my boyfriend... while he was at work... and someone had to walk out of the room so he could talk to me. GREAT! If I didn't feel cruddy enough some random person now knows that I have taken to this bizarre ritual of falling apart on Fridays. I want him to rescue me, he wants to rescue me, but we both know that he's not what I'm looking for. It sucks. I wish that he was. I hang up with him and I feel even more vulnerable then before (which isn't particularly a good thing in my opinion).

Then I headed out the door to visit my Grammy. It hurts too much to even talk about this... blah. I get there and I start crying again... and there are people there... friends of hers. I head upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom trying to pull it together until my presence is required at dinner. Those are my last tears of the night. I enjoy my time with them, but there seemed to be such a hardness wrapped around my heart. I think I almost prefer the tears.

Now I'm home. I don't know what God is doing right now in my life and I don't really feel like I need to know... at least in this exact moment. I don't even know if the tears are from him or the enemy. It's messy. Very messy. I am confident that these tears are bringing me where I need to be though. Old patterns are being uprooted and healing is taking place in my heart. I'm learning to rest and cry in my Daddy's arms.