Unconditional

There are so many things to write about and not nearly enough time to talk about them all. This is a pretty crazy week. I have my little sister Beka staying with us, and it is pretty incredible all the extra driving and running around that takes place when you add one extra kid into your life.

God has been loving on me this week. I have an AMAZING testimony. It's a little bit... racy... I guess... so um.. that's my parental warning.

Last night I felt like CRAP. I had one of my migraines and it was really intense. I could barely walk the pain was so unbearable. So, Michael came over and he was working on his laptop and I sat on the couch next to him drowning in my pain. The kids were watching Batman in the kids corner (Christian has a major thing for red heads and is in love with Poison Ivy). So... Michael and I are on the couch... and suddenly I get this urge to totally start making out. I'm like... what the heck? I feel like crap with my migraine... the kids are right there... what in the world is this? So, I brush it off. It comes back. I brush it off again. And this pattern repeats itself for like half an hour. Finally I decide to talk about it with Michael.

It was amazing... even in my migraine-haze I was able to have enough self-awareness to figure out what was going on. I wanted for Michael to take care of me, I had a desire for him to rub my neck to relieve some of the pressure that was going on with my migraine. Instead of asking him for that though... I felt like I needed to compensate in some way and manipulate him to do what I wanted. That's what I've had to do before, in order to be taken care of. In order to receive I had to give something in return, I had a lie telling me that this was the way things worked.

Talking about it changed everything! I know that Michael loves me... I know that I can ask him to take care of me. He does it because he loves me. Not because I give him something in return. Wow. Thinking about that again really makes me smile hehe. So.. long story short... the wonderful man in my life took care of me. He massaged my neck, helped me relax, prayed for me, helped me to let go of the stress that was causing my migraine, put me to bed, and put the kids to bed. I woke up in the morning and I was healed! Praise Jesus!

God has been teaching me about unconditional love lately. It's a tough concept to understand. Unconditional love means that I didn't earn it... which is weird to me. Conditional love means I have to work for it... which is exhausting. This type of love can also lead me down the path of trying to manipulate those around me... LAME! I know that I want unconditional love, but I do enjoy feeling as though I earned the love I am receiving. If I haven't earned it... then I don't have control over it... that's scary. Wow... I love when my God reveals his heart to me.

More on that later... I'm off to bed. Goodnight!