I am an emotional eater. It is so hard to admit that. These past few days I have had a lot of things going on in my life. The same things that are typically there... but I have been choosing to eat healthy food instead of eat whatever I want. It sucks. Most of the time I'm not even physically hungry, I just have an emotion going on that makes me want to celebrate or comfort myself. I changed my life about a year and a half ago. I made a commitment to purity and it made quite an impact on me. It was a good change, the problem was that I had removed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and lumped them all into eating instead of fully dealing with what was going on. I have gained at least 20 pounds since then and the thought of giving this up is terrifying to me.
The last two days have been really rough on me. I am an emotional mess and I even have a hard time smiling. I love to smile... this is not me. All of those emotions that I have shoved down with food are all bubbling up to the surface. I have to give this to God, because if I don't I will just end up as a floundering mess. I am a floundering mess... haha... let's get real now. I've been super moody and unavailable to the people I love, I hate it.
I would love to just stay locked in my house right now and avoid everything and everyone. I have been going to the gym daily... and I over strained myself with the trainer on Tuesday and my muscles are hurting... seriously hurting. It makes me so sad that I allowed for my body to get to this point. I'm a beautiful girl that just happens to have a layer of fat that's distracting from my true beauty a bit. That's not okay with me.
Grrrrr... I seem to have so much anger and sadness pouring out of me right now.
I'm going through a refining process. A heart refining process and to be honest it is quite painful. It won't last forever though... and it will be a pretty amazing heart to have once all is said and done. It's already a pretty amazing heart... it just needs to work through some of this stuff right now.
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13 years ago
3 comments:
January 12, 2009 at 8:26 AM
Well hello there, Rachel. Nice to see you again. I didn't make the connection until just now.
I am just sorry that it comes at the beginning of 12 weeks during which I will be looking down at you in the standings. :)
January 12, 2009 at 1:45 PM
Rachel, your probably worn out, that's where all emotion is coming from. Your just plain tired. This will pass, I promise it will. The more healthy you eat, you will feel better. Good job on being a "mindful eater!"
January 12, 2009 at 1:47 PM
Crap! I hate when I do that!!!! that last comment was from ME!
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