Identity

I am searching for the answer to the grandest question of all time: Who am I? It's a journey that has led me to some pretty intense realizations. This is a really hard question for me to answer, because I typically answer it with: Who do you want me to be? I allow for others to define who I am. I don't react based on the truths that I hold within myself... I react based on what I believe others want.

Lately I have been stretching myself in so many directions, that it's not surprising that there aren't very many people who know me well at the moment. I am experimenting. I'm testing things out and trying to figure out what it is that I really want, I'm pursuing my future. I'm not really sure what that looks like at the moment, but I want to though.

I allow myself to get so caught up in "self-improvement". There are so many things that I want to change about my life. So many things that I want to do with this amazing life God has given me... I just take step after step in that new direction. I'll read books, change habits, restructure priorities. I'm a practical person and those are all practical ways to obtain change. I am a goal setter, which is totally good. I see the goal in front of me and then I start figuring out the steps it will take for me to get there. I have a lot going on right now... lots of goals... lots of steps... I'm getting there, but it's exhausting.

I want more then a practical change in my life! I want a change that is only capable through God. Which means doing something that makes no sense to me... being still. Being still and just resting and spending time with Him. He is capable of changing my heart in every way. Goodness... he can give me a NEW heart!

Refining my heart...

I am an emotional eater. It is so hard to admit that. These past few days I have had a lot of things going on in my life. The same things that are typically there... but I have been choosing to eat healthy food instead of eat whatever I want. It sucks. Most of the time I'm not even physically hungry, I just have an emotion going on that makes me want to celebrate or comfort myself. I changed my life about a year and a half ago. I made a commitment to purity and it made quite an impact on me. It was a good change, the problem was that I had removed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and lumped them all into eating instead of fully dealing with what was going on. I have gained at least 20 pounds since then and the thought of giving this up is terrifying to me.

The last two days have been really rough on me. I am an emotional mess and I even have a hard time smiling. I love to smile... this is not me. All of those emotions that I have shoved down with food are all bubbling up to the surface. I have to give this to God, because if I don't I will just end up as a floundering mess. I am a floundering mess... haha... let's get real now. I've been super moody and unavailable to the people I love, I hate it.

I would love to just stay locked in my house right now and avoid everything and everyone. I have been going to the gym daily... and I over strained myself with the trainer on Tuesday and my muscles are hurting... seriously hurting. It makes me so sad that I allowed for my body to get to this point. I'm a beautiful girl that just happens to have a layer of fat that's distracting from my true beauty a bit. That's not okay with me.

Grrrrr... I seem to have so much anger and sadness pouring out of me right now.

I'm going through a refining process. A heart refining process and to be honest it is quite painful. It won't last forever though... and it will be a pretty amazing heart to have once all is said and done. It's already a pretty amazing heart... it just needs to work through some of this stuff right now.

Learning

These are the things that I have been learning lately:

- Relationships are always more important then projects.
- I can't take responsibility for other people's lives.
- I HAVE to take responsibility for MY life.
- I HATE biology. Scientific study... whoa boy that's lameness.
- Just because I am a leader, doesn't mean I have to control everything.
- My heart will be restored, it just takes time.
- God wants me to trust him... so he can bless me.... as my faith grows... so will the blessings. <---- I LOVE that one =)
- Listening includes asking questions, not sharing personal experiences.
- I really should get back to my reading.
- My new task chair is the COOLEST chair EVER! See pic below =) =) =) Except for mine is in RED!!!!

Sensitivity

These past few weeks have been busy and draining. Last night, well, last night was different. I was able to relax and just enjoy the company of my wonderful kids and amazing boyfriend. It was good to just relax and laugh again. Life turns into busy-ness so easily for me. I can run around in circles with the best of them, but when I do that I lose sight of what God wants me to be doing. I am not honoring him with my time.

I am still going through the process of learning to listen to my heart, and not distracting myself from how I truly feel. It is still kicking my butt and I realized that one of the reasons I probably stopped listening to how I feel is because I am OVERLY-SENSITIVE and EMPATHETIC. Which means that when someone else feels like crap, I end up feeling like crap too. I don't take control of how I feel, I allow my environment to dictate that for me. Then the other side of that is that my tender heart becomes easily hurt. Throughout my life I learned to protect myself though and I built walls all around me. I learned not to listen to my sensitivity and taught myself to let things roll off my back. I love the idea of "mellow". I wanted that so desperately that I began to deny what my heart was really saying. I became a girl that didn't cry and I saw crying as a weakness. It was awkward and I didn't know what to do with it.

God is cleaning up the mess that I made and it hurts. I've been having to express how I am feeling to the people that I love, even if my head wants to tell me it is ridiculous and I shouldn't feel that way. Well, I do feel that way. I need to honor myself and my feelings by being honest about them. The amazing thing is I am learning to do that simply for myself, and not because I have an expectation of some sort of response from who I'm talking to. It's been great and I am really blessed God is changing this in my life.

I added some pictures from our trip to the coast a couple weeks ago. Enjoy!

Heart to Heart

I am learning to listen to my heart. It sounds like a pretty easy task, but it can be nearly impossible some days. When I am struggling with stress, or under pressure, all I want to do is distract myself. Distract myself from my heart in any way that I can. I probably wouldn't even have realized this if it weren't for my amazing Michael who is always wanting to know: where is my heart at?

So, I am learning to listen. I listen and I push away all of those distractions away... and by doing that I am able to have an amazing connection with God and the people that I love. The best way for me to start is by reading the Word of God and praying. It is amazing what a difference this can make in my world. I am so excited about being able to be open and honest with myself, and the people around me.

Naturally, my heart a lot of times can be filled with junk. When I am able to express that though, to talk about it, and lay it at the feet of God. Wow... the junk is able to get cleared out... and I feel SO much better. It can be really difficult to start, but when it happens it is absolutely phenomenal. I have been so blessed to find a man that loves me enough to go through this process with me. One of my favorite things about love, is how it makes us want to be better people, because we know that the people we love deserve our very very best.

Have you listened to your heart today???