Identity

I am searching for the answer to the grandest question of all time: Who am I? It's a journey that has led me to some pretty intense realizations. This is a really hard question for me to answer, because I typically answer it with: Who do you want me to be? I allow for others to define who I am. I don't react based on the truths that I hold within myself... I react based on what I believe others want.

Lately I have been stretching myself in so many directions, that it's not surprising that there aren't very many people who know me well at the moment. I am experimenting. I'm testing things out and trying to figure out what it is that I really want, I'm pursuing my future. I'm not really sure what that looks like at the moment, but I want to though.

I allow myself to get so caught up in "self-improvement". There are so many things that I want to change about my life. So many things that I want to do with this amazing life God has given me... I just take step after step in that new direction. I'll read books, change habits, restructure priorities. I'm a practical person and those are all practical ways to obtain change. I am a goal setter, which is totally good. I see the goal in front of me and then I start figuring out the steps it will take for me to get there. I have a lot going on right now... lots of goals... lots of steps... I'm getting there, but it's exhausting.

I want more then a practical change in my life! I want a change that is only capable through God. Which means doing something that makes no sense to me... being still. Being still and just resting and spending time with Him. He is capable of changing my heart in every way. Goodness... he can give me a NEW heart!

Changes

Alright so maybe my blog last night was a little bit of a distraction from what is really going on with me. It was one of those many, "avoiding listening to my heart" moments. There have been a lot of big changes happening in my life lately. I absolutely HATE change. It makes the extremely stubborn side of myself want to dig in and refuse to accept what is happening. I don't like the unknown... it scares me.

So, it seems like things have started to shake up in every area of my life. My job, my family, my home, my kids, my friends, my focus... they are all being turned upside down and transformed. I should be excited about the new possibilities. There is a part of me that just wishes everything could have stayed the same though.

God loves change. He loves growth. He is transforming me into the woman that he needs for me to be in order to fulfill my destiny. Exciting? Yes. If I allow myself to see it that way. It hurts though, change hurts places in my heart that I would rather not pay attention to. It threatens the security that the familiar brings to the table.

I can only pray that God continues to work his will in my life, despite my stubbornness. Work in my life God, continue to turn my world upside down. I trust you to take care of me in all of this.

Sharing is Caring

re·la·tion·ship: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship

Relationship.. ahhhh God has been teaching me so many things about relationship. It's exciting really. I promise. Frustrating. Sure. It has it's ups and downs. The end result, the part where I actually grow and change, well now that is fun. Except for the first part when I realize I have been doing all of it wrong for X amount of years. Oh well.

So... I have been learning and it has been very rewarding in so many different areas. Connecting with people in ways that I never knew was possible!!! In ways that weren't possible when I was looking at my relationships through a thoroughly selfish point of view. If I only look at the areas which are beneficial for me (yes I have done this... yuk) then I am losing out on SO much!! My eyes are open now... it's pretty fabu-la-mazing! Seeing things in this new way... serving others and all.

So... my first blog... done when I was in a pretty intereasting mood... but ya... it's out there because....