Learning

These are the things that I have been learning lately:

- Relationships are always more important then projects.
- I can't take responsibility for other people's lives.
- I HAVE to take responsibility for MY life.
- I HATE biology. Scientific study... whoa boy that's lameness.
- Just because I am a leader, doesn't mean I have to control everything.
- My heart will be restored, it just takes time.
- God wants me to trust him... so he can bless me.... as my faith grows... so will the blessings. <---- I LOVE that one =)
- Listening includes asking questions, not sharing personal experiences.
- I really should get back to my reading.
- My new task chair is the COOLEST chair EVER! See pic below =) =) =) Except for mine is in RED!!!!

Education and Restoration

I have decided to write a blog... on what I'm not sure yet... we'll just have to see what happens. I just got done doing some of my homework for my Sociology class. Wow.. so I'm not a huge fan of Sociology... a little bit too much of a liberal socialistic perspective then I care to put up with... we are talking hundreds and hundreds of pages of a perspective that just sounds plain whiny to me.

It did get me thinking tonight about education though. I think that our public educational system is one thing in this country that should be equal across the board... for EVERY child. It's not. Since this doesn't directly effect me (because I live in a school district that has an AMAZING public school system) it is difficult to dwell on this too much. It breaks my heart though that there are so many children that aren't given an equal opportunity because they live in a district that has low funding for their schools. I really hope that one day in America we will wake up and realize how important education is.

So... change of subject... I have been facing some past hurts... still. There are a lot of them I guess. WHATEVER. Anyhow, I am beginning to face up to some issues that are incredibly painful for me... but I am doing it! Be proud of me. Have you ever heard of soul ties? That's the main issue I am facing at the moment. I have connected myself through physical and emotional means to people that God did not want me to and now I have this connection to them. LAME. So.. I gave these random people pieces of my heart and now my heart is left broken and connected to all of these people that it shouldn't be. Which leaves me in a place where I need to claim God's restoration in my life.

AMAZING!!!! =) Restoration is possible and God has a commitment to restore my heart to me so that I can give it back to him. It is really cool (painful and not easy) but incredible all the same. I just wanted to share about that a little bit. I am going to start reading a book to learn a little bit more about it... and I will probably blog a little bit more about it. Because it is so phenomenal and I would love to share it with anyone who has been in my shoes.

Restoration baby!

Hurting

Have you ever screwed up and said the wrong thing? You were hurting so badly inside and so you somehow ended up taking it out on the people that you love the most?

The lamest part of it all, is realizing the second that it comes out, that you didn't mean it. By then it is too late. You have stuck your foot in your mouth and hurt the person that you love. So they leave... and you call and get their answering machine... and have to leave a pathetic sorry excuse for an apology for being such an incredible ass.

Haha ya... can you tell how my night went? I am really struggling today. I am hurting about things that are important, but instead of dealing with them... I lashed out at the people who care about me.

It's very frustrating for me that I'm not able to even resolve this right now, when I know that I am wrong. I want to grovel. I want to beg for forgiveness. Instead I have to understand that I hurt someone, and they have the right to take as much time as they need. I don't deserve instant relief. So instead of calling a million times (which is sadly what I want to do right now) I thought I would send my apology into the world of blogging and give my loved one the space that they deserve.

I screwed up. I made a mistake, and I know that it will get better. Patience. Patience. Peace will come.

Chaos

My mind is racing a mile a minute and it is hard to keep up with it all. I have my highs my lows... my inbetween... I am a woman... my emotions are fantastic and irritating all at the same time. Life can be busy for me: single mother, two kids, full time mom, part time student... mix in the family, friends and boyfriend and we have a fabulous mix... but a busy busy busy one.

Through all of the chaos it can be frustrating to try and listen to your heart. I know that it is important, but at the same moment there is a part of me that wonders... who has the time? I can't allow for that attitude to take control of me. If I stop listening to my heart, I will become stuck, eventually unhappiness will take over and I will have no idea why.

My heart desires a closer relationship with God. I know this and yet I still can find myself idiotically trying to fill my heart up with practically ANYTHING else. I run away. What a loving and merciful God who chooses to love me anyway. I place so many distractions between us and yet he continues to pursue me and let me know that when I am ready, he will still be there. I know I don't have forever... I have to choose better today.

I love making a list of my priorities and God typically makes the top of my list. Most of the time though it is probably just because I've thought he should be. I am learning that I need him to be. The only way that works is if I am able to reflect this decision with my time and actions.

Sharing is Caring

re·la·tion·ship: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship

Relationship.. ahhhh God has been teaching me so many things about relationship. It's exciting really. I promise. Frustrating. Sure. It has it's ups and downs. The end result, the part where I actually grow and change, well now that is fun. Except for the first part when I realize I have been doing all of it wrong for X amount of years. Oh well.

So... I have been learning and it has been very rewarding in so many different areas. Connecting with people in ways that I never knew was possible!!! In ways that weren't possible when I was looking at my relationships through a thoroughly selfish point of view. If I only look at the areas which are beneficial for me (yes I have done this... yuk) then I am losing out on SO much!! My eyes are open now... it's pretty fabu-la-mazing! Seeing things in this new way... serving others and all.

So... my first blog... done when I was in a pretty intereasting mood... but ya... it's out there because....