God is Good

Alright... so God has just been blessing my socks off lately. Yes, there has been some pretty tough stuff that has headed my way. The thing is God has been taking care of me through all of it. It blows me away... all of the little things that he has done for me to help renew my faith in his blessings. God is good all the time and especially in the tough times. So... I am sitting here counting my blessings and it just brings a HUGE smile to my face.

I have really been struggling with my Papa not being around lately. I had some pretty intense dreams with him in them... and it just hurts to not have him here with us anymore. Adjusting to the changes in the family have been hard, but I have a feeling that this next year will be easier for all of us. I know that we will still miss my Papa terribly, but it become easier as we adjust to the idea of it all. Most days it still just feels like it couldn't possibly be true. Honestly, I have been totally freaking out about the holidays... uck... lame... I really just need to place the whole thing in God's hands.

I got to talk to my AMAZING boyfriend Michael tonight. I have sure missed him since he started his new job. Lately though I have realized all of the wonderful things that this has been challenging us with in our relationship. The growth we have experienced already has been mind blowing.

I don't want to blog anymore... so I won't... I have some more school assignments to get done before the weekend. My final is on Saturday and my next class starts on Monday (it's an on campus class so please pray for God to continue to reveal himself to me). I sure need him through all of this. Even now I can feel his Holy Spirit with me... phenomenal peace... ahhhhhh.... God is good.

Sensitivity

These past few weeks have been busy and draining. Last night, well, last night was different. I was able to relax and just enjoy the company of my wonderful kids and amazing boyfriend. It was good to just relax and laugh again. Life turns into busy-ness so easily for me. I can run around in circles with the best of them, but when I do that I lose sight of what God wants me to be doing. I am not honoring him with my time.

I am still going through the process of learning to listen to my heart, and not distracting myself from how I truly feel. It is still kicking my butt and I realized that one of the reasons I probably stopped listening to how I feel is because I am OVERLY-SENSITIVE and EMPATHETIC. Which means that when someone else feels like crap, I end up feeling like crap too. I don't take control of how I feel, I allow my environment to dictate that for me. Then the other side of that is that my tender heart becomes easily hurt. Throughout my life I learned to protect myself though and I built walls all around me. I learned not to listen to my sensitivity and taught myself to let things roll off my back. I love the idea of "mellow". I wanted that so desperately that I began to deny what my heart was really saying. I became a girl that didn't cry and I saw crying as a weakness. It was awkward and I didn't know what to do with it.

God is cleaning up the mess that I made and it hurts. I've been having to express how I am feeling to the people that I love, even if my head wants to tell me it is ridiculous and I shouldn't feel that way. Well, I do feel that way. I need to honor myself and my feelings by being honest about them. The amazing thing is I am learning to do that simply for myself, and not because I have an expectation of some sort of response from who I'm talking to. It's been great and I am really blessed God is changing this in my life.

I added some pictures from our trip to the coast a couple weeks ago. Enjoy!

Hurting

Have you ever screwed up and said the wrong thing? You were hurting so badly inside and so you somehow ended up taking it out on the people that you love the most?

The lamest part of it all, is realizing the second that it comes out, that you didn't mean it. By then it is too late. You have stuck your foot in your mouth and hurt the person that you love. So they leave... and you call and get their answering machine... and have to leave a pathetic sorry excuse for an apology for being such an incredible ass.

Haha ya... can you tell how my night went? I am really struggling today. I am hurting about things that are important, but instead of dealing with them... I lashed out at the people who care about me.

It's very frustrating for me that I'm not able to even resolve this right now, when I know that I am wrong. I want to grovel. I want to beg for forgiveness. Instead I have to understand that I hurt someone, and they have the right to take as much time as they need. I don't deserve instant relief. So instead of calling a million times (which is sadly what I want to do right now) I thought I would send my apology into the world of blogging and give my loved one the space that they deserve.

I screwed up. I made a mistake, and I know that it will get better. Patience. Patience. Peace will come.