Refining my heart...

I am an emotional eater. It is so hard to admit that. These past few days I have had a lot of things going on in my life. The same things that are typically there... but I have been choosing to eat healthy food instead of eat whatever I want. It sucks. Most of the time I'm not even physically hungry, I just have an emotion going on that makes me want to celebrate or comfort myself. I changed my life about a year and a half ago. I made a commitment to purity and it made quite an impact on me. It was a good change, the problem was that I had removed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and lumped them all into eating instead of fully dealing with what was going on. I have gained at least 20 pounds since then and the thought of giving this up is terrifying to me.

The last two days have been really rough on me. I am an emotional mess and I even have a hard time smiling. I love to smile... this is not me. All of those emotions that I have shoved down with food are all bubbling up to the surface. I have to give this to God, because if I don't I will just end up as a floundering mess. I am a floundering mess... haha... let's get real now. I've been super moody and unavailable to the people I love, I hate it.

I would love to just stay locked in my house right now and avoid everything and everyone. I have been going to the gym daily... and I over strained myself with the trainer on Tuesday and my muscles are hurting... seriously hurting. It makes me so sad that I allowed for my body to get to this point. I'm a beautiful girl that just happens to have a layer of fat that's distracting from my true beauty a bit. That's not okay with me.

Grrrrr... I seem to have so much anger and sadness pouring out of me right now.

I'm going through a refining process. A heart refining process and to be honest it is quite painful. It won't last forever though... and it will be a pretty amazing heart to have once all is said and done. It's already a pretty amazing heart... it just needs to work through some of this stuff right now.

Connections

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my connections with the people around me. I really struggle with trying to stay connected with friends and loved ones and I'm not really sure why. Not to mention how difficult it has been for me to accept new people into my life!!! That is a whole other story in itself. Have I been busy? Absolutely. I don't really consider that an excuse though. I have a pretty full plate with work, school, the kids, and my boyfriend (whom I'm lucky to see throughout the week). I really need to make a better effort to stay connected.

I was at Jack in the Box this afternoon (ordering a chicken fajita pita, no onions, no fries, and a diet coke) and I actually made the effort to call a friend of mine. She wasn't available, but I had tried. I need to do that more. The reality is that most phone conversations probably wouldn't take very long, but there is something inside of me that resists picking that darn thing up.

Eh... I'm stuck. I'll have to think about it more tomorrow. Unfortunately my body really wanted a coffee today and I didn't give in to its demands. I am EXHAUSTED!!! I would love to just go to bed, but I know I have some more reading to do before I can make that happen. This schedule is taking a lot out of me, I am really excited about everything that I am getting done, but I really cherish my times of rest.

Tired

Day one of healthy eating and exercise and I already feel absolutely wiped out. This is a really busy school week for me and I am about to the point of tears. I have an essay due tonight and I really don't feel as though it is going to be good enough. I can barely form enough rational thought to have a conversation with my dog--- let alone know if my college level essay flows and has proper punctuation. Just the fact that I am attempting to have a conversation with a dog should be a sign of my imbalance at the moment.

God I need you tonight. I need your strength, help, and guidance. I cannot do this on my own.