The Struggle

I am really struggling tonight. I miss my Papa. I want to spend time with him and tell him what is happening in my life. Everywhere I turn I am reminded again how much I miss him. I have been reminded of him so many times the past week and it has been tearing me apart. I long to hear him approve of the choices I am making in my life. I long to just sit in the same room as him and enjoy his presence. I am tired of crying.

There is a selfish spirit rising up in my heart right now. I really need to turn it over to God. This is one of those times where it would be so simple to throw a pity party for myself and stay there as long as possible. I am hurting. I don't want to accept the way things are right now, I would love to deny my sadness. I would love to distract myself and so far that is how I have been facing this, with as many distractions as I can muster.

So.. just now on the radio the song, "It feels like home to me" by Chantal Kreviazuk came on. I miss feeling safe and at home. The only way that I will be able to find the safety and peace that I am looking for is to turn to God. There is no other person or thing that will be able to give me that feeling except for Him. I don't want to admit that is true. I really want to try and find that somewhere else, anywhere else, believe me I have tried. It never works. I only end up hurting myself until I realize that I need to surrender it all to God all over again.

Great things are going to happen, I know that they must be right around the corner. I never struggle as much as when God is about to do an AMAZING work in my life. Sabotage I tell you... sabotage... the devil just can't handle it. Whatever. Sucks for him, because I am going to take care of my stuff and fulfill the role God has for me. By just allowing myself to realize that I am preparing myself to fight and win.