Sensitivity

These past few weeks have been busy and draining. Last night, well, last night was different. I was able to relax and just enjoy the company of my wonderful kids and amazing boyfriend. It was good to just relax and laugh again. Life turns into busy-ness so easily for me. I can run around in circles with the best of them, but when I do that I lose sight of what God wants me to be doing. I am not honoring him with my time.

I am still going through the process of learning to listen to my heart, and not distracting myself from how I truly feel. It is still kicking my butt and I realized that one of the reasons I probably stopped listening to how I feel is because I am OVERLY-SENSITIVE and EMPATHETIC. Which means that when someone else feels like crap, I end up feeling like crap too. I don't take control of how I feel, I allow my environment to dictate that for me. Then the other side of that is that my tender heart becomes easily hurt. Throughout my life I learned to protect myself though and I built walls all around me. I learned not to listen to my sensitivity and taught myself to let things roll off my back. I love the idea of "mellow". I wanted that so desperately that I began to deny what my heart was really saying. I became a girl that didn't cry and I saw crying as a weakness. It was awkward and I didn't know what to do with it.

God is cleaning up the mess that I made and it hurts. I've been having to express how I am feeling to the people that I love, even if my head wants to tell me it is ridiculous and I shouldn't feel that way. Well, I do feel that way. I need to honor myself and my feelings by being honest about them. The amazing thing is I am learning to do that simply for myself, and not because I have an expectation of some sort of response from who I'm talking to. It's been great and I am really blessed God is changing this in my life.

I added some pictures from our trip to the coast a couple weeks ago. Enjoy!

First Day of School

For the life of me I cannot manage to find my camera ANYWHERE!!! It looks as though it may be about time to get a new one. So, the first day if school was today and the kids and I are WIPED OUT! I decided that at the very least I would have to capture the moment with my web cam, which explains our cheesy grins to the left of me.

Cameran started her very first day of pre-school. I was so excited for her!!! She is very social and I know that she is going to flourish with all of the new challenges that pre-school will bring her. The teacher said that she had an amazing day, but that she didn't eat very much of her lunch. Let's hope that her appetite returns by tomorrow!!

Christian acted like an old pro this morning. I am so proud of my boy. He is in 1st grade this year and already he knows the ropes. He has one of his really good buddies in his class and I am so excited for him to have the opportunity to make even more friends this year! Christian is such a little smarty pants. We started a 1st grade workbook at home and he is just flying through it. It is really going to be a fun year.

I also started school today. I am taking an online class out at Shasta College this semester. I'm only taking one class, because I am actually going to be starting at National University next month. It is thrilling to be on the brink of so much book-smarts... but let me just say that my kiddos and I are exhausted. We are dead tired... and a little bit cranky. It will take a while before we are able to get adjusted to our new schedules, but I know that we will get there.

Changes

Alright so maybe my blog last night was a little bit of a distraction from what is really going on with me. It was one of those many, "avoiding listening to my heart" moments. There have been a lot of big changes happening in my life lately. I absolutely HATE change. It makes the extremely stubborn side of myself want to dig in and refuse to accept what is happening. I don't like the unknown... it scares me.

So, it seems like things have started to shake up in every area of my life. My job, my family, my home, my kids, my friends, my focus... they are all being turned upside down and transformed. I should be excited about the new possibilities. There is a part of me that just wishes everything could have stayed the same though.

God loves change. He loves growth. He is transforming me into the woman that he needs for me to be in order to fulfill my destiny. Exciting? Yes. If I allow myself to see it that way. It hurts though, change hurts places in my heart that I would rather not pay attention to. It threatens the security that the familiar brings to the table.

I can only pray that God continues to work his will in my life, despite my stubbornness. Work in my life God, continue to turn my world upside down. I trust you to take care of me in all of this.

Construction Zone

I am so tired of all the road construction that is happening in Redding!!! Everywhere I turn there is a horrible little man with a stop sign. There's no point in even attempting to wash my car with all the dirt and road particles that I have been trying to drive through everyday. Okay... so maybe I am being a little bit over-dramatic and whiny... but seriously the torn up road situation that is happening all over town is driving me insane.

The Classics

This afternoon Michael and I watched Roman Holiday. I have been a huge fan of classic movies for quite some time now. I love them from the bottom of my heart. It is always amusing to me how many of these movies have been remade and I have already seen. There is so much in our culture that is simply re-used over and over again. It can be difficult to see where the true original thought even came from.

Even when listening to today's popular music, the majority of it has all been played before. It is simply cut and paste together into something new. I think that it is wonderful that it always seems to find a way to live on.

I do love the classics though. The original. It ends up making more sense somehow, and I am able to appreciate the latest version even more. I'm going to end this with a line from Roman Holiday:

"I have to leave you now. I'm going to that corner there and turn. You must stay in the car and drive away. Promise not to watch me go beyond the corner. Just drive away and leave me as I leave you."