My Man

What can I say? I am in love with an incredible man. Love has completely changed my life! There is no better motivator than the man of my dreams. He is the strength that I rely on when I am facing the strongholds that have been pushing me down my entire life. When I don't want to face the tough stuff and I just want to roll up in a ball and shut out the world... I can't... he deserves my best no matter what else is going on.

Ya... so nothing big tonight. We rented a movie and ate some Chinese food. It was a nice evening in. When I look at that man though...

*sigh*

he just makes me weak in my knees. I am so blessed that God has placed him in my life. God has been bringing the two of us some amazing things lately. It has its rough moments, but every step we take God seems to be preparing the two of us for what he has planned for our lives. It's an adventure... and I LOVE that I get to go there with him by my side.

Unconditional

There are so many things to write about and not nearly enough time to talk about them all. This is a pretty crazy week. I have my little sister Beka staying with us, and it is pretty incredible all the extra driving and running around that takes place when you add one extra kid into your life.

God has been loving on me this week. I have an AMAZING testimony. It's a little bit... racy... I guess... so um.. that's my parental warning.

Last night I felt like CRAP. I had one of my migraines and it was really intense. I could barely walk the pain was so unbearable. So, Michael came over and he was working on his laptop and I sat on the couch next to him drowning in my pain. The kids were watching Batman in the kids corner (Christian has a major thing for red heads and is in love with Poison Ivy). So... Michael and I are on the couch... and suddenly I get this urge to totally start making out. I'm like... what the heck? I feel like crap with my migraine... the kids are right there... what in the world is this? So, I brush it off. It comes back. I brush it off again. And this pattern repeats itself for like half an hour. Finally I decide to talk about it with Michael.

It was amazing... even in my migraine-haze I was able to have enough self-awareness to figure out what was going on. I wanted for Michael to take care of me, I had a desire for him to rub my neck to relieve some of the pressure that was going on with my migraine. Instead of asking him for that though... I felt like I needed to compensate in some way and manipulate him to do what I wanted. That's what I've had to do before, in order to be taken care of. In order to receive I had to give something in return, I had a lie telling me that this was the way things worked.

Talking about it changed everything! I know that Michael loves me... I know that I can ask him to take care of me. He does it because he loves me. Not because I give him something in return. Wow. Thinking about that again really makes me smile hehe. So.. long story short... the wonderful man in my life took care of me. He massaged my neck, helped me relax, prayed for me, helped me to let go of the stress that was causing my migraine, put me to bed, and put the kids to bed. I woke up in the morning and I was healed! Praise Jesus!

God has been teaching me about unconditional love lately. It's a tough concept to understand. Unconditional love means that I didn't earn it... which is weird to me. Conditional love means I have to work for it... which is exhausting. This type of love can also lead me down the path of trying to manipulate those around me... LAME! I know that I want unconditional love, but I do enjoy feeling as though I earned the love I am receiving. If I haven't earned it... then I don't have control over it... that's scary. Wow... I love when my God reveals his heart to me.

More on that later... I'm off to bed. Goodnight!

A Flood of Tears

I'm totally exhausted tonight, but I really feel the need to put some stuff out there. Hopefully it makes sense. If it doesn't I will just have to be blessed by your grace! =P

I feel very alone right now. I think that it is something that most women feel... A LOT. It has nothing to do with the people in my life. Michael is amazing as ever, but there is this sense of loneliness that has been creeping up on me this week. This feeling smacked me across the face tonight and I broke down in tears. I HATE crying. It makes me angry to even think about it. I still have very little desire to be vulnerable in this way. It seems as though Friday is having this effect on me for multiple occasions for some reason. On Fridays I cry.

So... I cried on the phone to my boyfriend... while he was at work... and someone had to walk out of the room so he could talk to me. GREAT! If I didn't feel cruddy enough some random person now knows that I have taken to this bizarre ritual of falling apart on Fridays. I want him to rescue me, he wants to rescue me, but we both know that he's not what I'm looking for. It sucks. I wish that he was. I hang up with him and I feel even more vulnerable then before (which isn't particularly a good thing in my opinion).

Then I headed out the door to visit my Grammy. It hurts too much to even talk about this... blah. I get there and I start crying again... and there are people there... friends of hers. I head upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom trying to pull it together until my presence is required at dinner. Those are my last tears of the night. I enjoy my time with them, but there seemed to be such a hardness wrapped around my heart. I think I almost prefer the tears.

Now I'm home. I don't know what God is doing right now in my life and I don't really feel like I need to know... at least in this exact moment. I don't even know if the tears are from him or the enemy. It's messy. Very messy. I am confident that these tears are bringing me where I need to be though. Old patterns are being uprooted and healing is taking place in my heart. I'm learning to rest and cry in my Daddy's arms.

Searching for Love

It's insanity to run from God and search for love.

Aim

"Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why -- an aim -- for their lives in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence. Woe to him who saw no more sense in his life, no aim, no purpose, and therefore no point in carrying on. He was soon lost."

- Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps of WWII

Trust and Strength

Part 1

We worry about paying the bills, but never worry about having air to breathe. But really which one is more critical to life?
-Erwin Macmanus

God is amazing. I'm learning to trust Him more each day.

Part 2
I realized something more about my passion and purpose in life tonight. I have a desire to help others see what they are best at. Have you ever taken a Strengths Test? It's a really cool test that helps you to discover your strengths. I took mine a while ago and discovered that my top 5 strengths are:

Harmony
Individualization
Responsibility
Maximizer
Context

By realizing my strengths I am begin to see the purpose God has for my life a little bit more clearly. I have this combination of strengths because that is what God wanted me to have. I could go into more detail... but I want to start my week off right and get to bed! If you haven't taken a strengths test I would highly recommend it!

Vulnerable

I hate being vulnerable. I hate asking for things. I hate putting my fragile heart on a platter and allowing someone else to decide what to do with it. What if they mistreat it? What if they ignore it? Then I have my excuse to push them away and never be vulnerable again. Why am I allowing someone else to have control of MY vulnerability?

It's been a messy week. My heart is hurting. God and I have been tearing down some of the walls I have around my heart and it hasn't felt very nice. I don't know what to do, I feel very exposed. It doesn't help that not very many people know how to handle me in this freshly peeled state. Things that normally wouldn't bother me, hurt me in a whole new way. Things that do bother me are capable of bringing me into hysterical tears.

Yep, it's a mess.

Figured It Out

Alright, so this has been a really tough week for me. I have been completely unmotivated in my exercise routine... and I have wanted to eat everything. I haven't eaten EVERYTHING, but I did break down and have a chili dog last night. I know... blah... BUT right now I'm totally excited because I figured out what "it" is:


I didn't exercise over the weekend.



Since I have started losing weight I have exercised every day or at least every other day. When I went out of town for the weekend I went THREE days without working out. My body didn't like that. Isn't that awesome? My body craves working out... it needs it... I am so excited to know what in the world this funk has been about for the last week. =)