The past few weeks have been absolutely hectic! I am a full time student... and I FEEL like a full time student. I have AMAZING news to report though. I aced my class out at Shasta College! Not only did I get an A, I got a 99.37% in the entire class!!! I am so extremely stoked!
I love to strive hard and get good grades. It's pretty important to me, but with everything else going on right now... good grades are definitely not at the top of my list. I've been getting all B's in my classes at National (yes I took classes at National and Shasta at the same time). A couple B+'s but B's all the same. I know that's great... right? I work full time, I'm a single mom, I have a boyfriend who I want to keep around, and I am taking full time classes which I get B's in. It was just really nice to be able to get that A+!!!!
Well.. there is so much going on and I have so much new stuff that I have been learning and I would love to share. Honestly the only reason I have time to blog right now is because my teacher let me out of class early tonight. AND there are other things I want to get done before bed... so for now I will have to save the rest for later.
Alright... so God has just been blessing my socks off lately. Yes, there has been some pretty tough stuff that has headed my way. The thing is God has been taking care of me through all of it. It blows me away... all of the little things that he has done for me to help renew my faith in his blessings. God is good all the time and especially in the tough times. So... I am sitting here counting my blessings and it just brings a HUGE smile to my face.
I have really been struggling with my Papa not being around lately. I had some pretty intense dreams with him in them... and it just hurts to not have him here with us anymore. Adjusting to the changes in the family have been hard, but I have a feeling that this next year will be easier for all of us. I know that we will still miss my Papa terribly, but it become easier as we adjust to the idea of it all. Most days it still just feels like it couldn't possibly be true. Honestly, I have been totally freaking out about the holidays... uck... lame... I really just need to place the whole thing in God's hands.
I got to talk to my AMAZING boyfriend Michael tonight. I have sure missed him since he started his new job. Lately though I have realized all of the wonderful things that this has been challenging us with in our relationship. The growth we have experienced already has been mind blowing.
I don't want to blog anymore... so I won't... I have some more school assignments to get done before the weekend. My final is on Saturday and my next class starts on Monday (it's an on campus class so please pray for God to continue to reveal himself to me). I sure need him through all of this. Even now I can feel his Holy Spirit with me... phenomenal peace... ahhhhhh.... God is good.
A new challenge lies ahead and I am a bit nervous about it all. We are entering a new season yet again. Michael is starting his new job at Simpson tomorrow and I am so excited for him! I know that God has AMAZING things for him there. There is a part of me that is scared about it though. I have really been blessed by getting to spend so much time with Michael. Our schedules have been busy, but we were given time to connect on a regular basis. This next month is going to be challenging and is going to stretch us both as he juggles his new job and wrapping up his business. While I focus on keeping my life running.
My life is so much better when he is with me.. it is going to be tough to have to share him with all of these new people and responsibilities. We will make it through it though. I choose to surrender our relationship to God once again and trust that he is going to bring us even closer through these new experiences. I sure love my God... he is so good to me! Michael is such a great example of that goodness... I really am able to see how much God loves me, he would have to think the world of me to put a man like Michael in my life.
Enough mushiness... lol. In my personal life God has really been beginning to reveal to me some of the areas that he wants to use me. He is preparing my heart for the things ahead. It is scary and some of it involves some tough issues that I would rather not face, but once again I have faith that he will bring me through. I am discovering my joy all over again.
So... Obama is our next President. I am definitely disappointed in the outcome of the election and am very nervous about the result that this will have for our country. However, I have to chosen to keep an open mind and trust the will of God. God is still in control of my life... even if Obama *sigh* is in the White House.
Hopefully the other issues that were important to me this year will have better results.
While looking at the unofficial votes, I find it difficult to believe that Proposition 4 (Parental Notification about Abortions) did not pass. Lame. At least our state was able to vote yes on Proposition 8. There is some hope after all.
God showed me that the Israelites stayed in the wilderness because they had a "wilderness mentality" -- certain types of wrong thinking kept them in bondage.
- Joyce Meyer
These are the things that I have been learning lately:
- Relationships are always more important then projects.
- I can't take responsibility for other people's lives.
- I HAVE to take responsibility for MY life.
- I HATE biology. Scientific study... whoa boy that's lameness.
- Just because I am a leader, doesn't mean I have to control everything.
- My heart will be restored, it just takes time.
- God wants me to trust him... so he can bless me.... as my faith grows... so will the blessings. <---- I LOVE that one =)
- Listening includes asking questions, not sharing personal experiences.
- I really should get back to my reading.
- My new task chair is the COOLEST chair EVER! See pic below =) =) =) Except for mine is in RED!!!! 
I have decided to write a blog... on what I'm not sure yet... we'll just have to see what happens. I just got done doing some of my homework for my Sociology class. Wow.. so I'm not a huge fan of Sociology... a little bit too much of a liberal socialistic perspective then I care to put up with... we are talking hundreds and hundreds of pages of a perspective that just sounds plain whiny to me.
It did get me thinking tonight about education though. I think that our public educational system is one thing in this country that should be equal across the board... for EVERY child. It's not. Since this doesn't directly effect me (because I live in a school district that has an AMAZING public school system) it is difficult to dwell on this too much. It breaks my heart though that there are so many children that aren't given an equal opportunity because they live in a district that has low funding for their schools. I really hope that one day in America we will wake up and realize how important education is.
So... change of subject... I have been facing some past hurts... still. There are a lot of them I guess. WHATEVER. Anyhow, I am beginning to face up to some issues that are incredibly painful for me... but I am doing it! Be proud of me. Have you ever heard of soul ties? That's the main issue I am facing at the moment. I have connected myself through physical and emotional means to people that God did not want me to and now I have this connection to them. LAME. So.. I gave these random people pieces of my heart and now my heart is left broken and connected to all of these people that it shouldn't be. Which leaves me in a place where I need to claim God's restoration in my life.
AMAZING!!!! =) Restoration is possible and God has a commitment to restore my heart to me so that I can give it back to him. It is really cool (painful and not easy) but incredible all the same. I just wanted to share about that a little bit. I am going to start reading a book to learn a little bit more about it... and I will probably blog a little bit more about it. Because it is so phenomenal and I would love to share it with anyone who has been in my shoes.
Restoration baby!
"In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
-Aeschylus
I really am excited to share a little bit about the amazing weekend I had with Michael when we visited Grammy and Leroy in Salinas this past weekend. They showed us around town and we even got to spend some time in Monterey and Carmel. Here are a few of my favorite pictures from our trip:
I'm thinking ahead to the holidays. I love the holidays!!! I'm already pretty stressed about it this year though. Everything is different this year, everything is new. Have I mentioned yet how difficult change is for me? Holidays are a time for family and at this moment I feel like my family has stretched into so many different directions that I don't even know how to begin to handle it all. There is structure and safety, the familiar, the new, and then there is the wild card.
The wild card in my life is what I am having the most difficulty with right now. I just got off of the phone and I really just need to grrrrr this out at the moment.
I need to do the best thing for me during the holidays and expect everyone else in my life to do the same.
It can be so difficult for me to take care of myself when I feel so many responsibilities weighing me down. That is my challenge. In the midst of all of the deadlines and expectations, to still find the time to take care of myself. I hate slowing down to actually think about how I am feeling.
So, today I was talking with Michael about all of the things I needed to get done. I have a paper to write, Christian's homework, dinner, reading with the kids, washing some clean socks... the list continues. He helped me to see that the only way that I would be able to effectively get any of that done would be to start the night by taking some time for myself.
What a foreign concept!!! I've heard it so many times before and I'm sure that it works great... when you do it. Not so easy to actually do it though. At least for me. I took some time to start my evening, but probably not enough. After I am done here I am going to take some time to just sit and spend time with God. I know that will change my night and make it so much easier to finish taking care of what needs to get done.
I am like a drowning woman who keeps trying to save herself. I continue to struggle against my rescuer instead of just staying still and allowing them to take care of me. Thank you God for taking care of me... thank you for your patience... your mercy... your blessings... and your grace!!!
I am really struggling tonight. I miss my Papa. I want to spend time with him and tell him what is happening in my life. Everywhere I turn I am reminded again how much I miss him. I have been reminded of him so many times the past week and it has been tearing me apart. I long to hear him approve of the choices I am making in my life. I long to just sit in the same room as him and enjoy his presence. I am tired of crying.
There is a selfish spirit rising up in my heart right now. I really need to turn it over to God. This is one of those times where it would be so simple to throw a pity party for myself and stay there as long as possible. I am hurting. I don't want to accept the way things are right now, I would love to deny my sadness. I would love to distract myself and so far that is how I have been facing this, with as many distractions as I can muster.
So.. just now on the radio the song, "It feels like home to me" by Chantal Kreviazuk came on. I miss feeling safe and at home. The only way that I will be able to find the safety and peace that I am looking for is to turn to God. There is no other person or thing that will be able to give me that feeling except for Him. I don't want to admit that is true. I really want to try and find that somewhere else, anywhere else, believe me I have tried. It never works. I only end up hurting myself until I realize that I need to surrender it all to God all over again.
Great things are going to happen, I know that they must be right around the corner. I never struggle as much as when God is about to do an AMAZING work in my life. Sabotage I tell you... sabotage... the devil just can't handle it. Whatever. Sucks for him, because I am going to take care of my stuff and fulfill the role God has for me. By just allowing myself to realize that I am preparing myself to fight and win.
I want to connect and so I search and search, but no connection can be found. I run ahead trying to catch up to my love, but I can never reach him. If only I would just sit and rest, I would be able to see that I am in my beloved’s presence. There is no reason to waste my energy trying to find him, because he has never left me. The more I struggle to see him, the harder it is for me to hear what he is speaking into my life. My heart is changing every day and I still search. I shout out for him to answer me, when my answer has already come. I want to see him in everything. I want to stop trying to do this on my own. Why do I struggle so much against just resting in you? It is so hard to accept that there is nothing that I can do FOR you. There is nothing that I can do to redeem the life of sin that I live. Nothing would ever be enough. You are able to love me because of your grace; it has nothing to do with me. How could God be so good? Everyone else expects so much and the creator of the universe expects nothing. Nothing except for my heart.
Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.In quietness and confidence is your strength.But you would have none of it. So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion.For the Lord is a faithful God.Blessed are those who wait for his help.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about my connections with the people around me. I really struggle with trying to stay connected with friends and loved ones and I'm not really sure why. Not to mention how difficult it has been for me to accept new people into my life!!! That is a whole other story in itself. Have I been busy? Absolutely. I don't really consider that an excuse though. I have a pretty full plate with work, school, the kids, and my boyfriend (whom I'm lucky to see throughout the week). I really need to make a better effort to stay connected.
I was at Jack in the Box this afternoon (ordering a chicken fajita pita, no onions, no fries, and a diet coke) and I actually made the effort to call a friend of mine. She wasn't available, but I had tried. I need to do that more. The reality is that most phone conversations probably wouldn't take very long, but there is something inside of me that resists picking that darn thing up.
Eh... I'm stuck. I'll have to think about it more tomorrow. Unfortunately my body really wanted a coffee today and I didn't give in to its demands. I am EXHAUSTED!!! I would love to just go to bed, but I know I have some more reading to do before I can make that happen. This schedule is taking a lot out of me, I am really excited about everything that I am getting done, but I really cherish my times of rest.
Day one of healthy eating and exercise and I already feel absolutely wiped out. This is a really busy school week for me and I am about to the point of tears. I have an essay due tonight and I really don't feel as though it is going to be good enough. I can barely form enough rational thought to have a conversation with my dog--- let alone know if my college level essay flows and has proper punctuation. Just the fact that I am attempting to have a conversation with a dog should be a sign of my imbalance at the moment.
God I need you tonight. I need your strength, help, and guidance. I cannot do this on my own.
I finally gave up on trying to find my camera and bought myself a new Sony Cyber-shot! I am so excited to go and take some pictures!!! Honestly, the fact that this camera is a rouge totally caught my attention and when the rest of the specs checked out I was pretty stoked. It fit the bill. Hopefully it takes AMAZING pictures... we'll see... I added some pics I took for our first "photo-shoot" when we got home today.
This weekend the kids went up to my Mom's house and I was so blessed to get to spend (close to) the entire weekend with Michael! We really needed the time to ourselves, especially with as busy as both of our schedules have been. Every moment we spent together I began to realize more and more why I am head over hills in love with that incredible man. I have found a connection to another person that I have never experienced. *sigh* I sure love him!
Friday night I was praying with Michael and I asked God to just pour joy into my life. There has been so much tension and stress lately. My God is so good to me and he delivered. I am at peace with the happenings in my life. I was finally able to surrender to God and place my heavy burdens at his feet. A huge weight has been lifted and I finally feel as though the next phase of my life is just around the corner.
It is so easy to get caught up in the problems and drama that life is constantly inundating me with. I am so tired of allowing circumstance to dictate my reality. God is in control of my life and he wants to bless me. I am going to start stepping back and allowing him to take over. This entire day... wow... this entire weekend has been an excellent example of how truly wonderful my life can be when I let God take care of me.
I added some pictures of when Michael and I went up to Dunsmuir this weekend. It was so relaxing and I loved the connection we found there.
My son is reading Green Eggs and Ham!!! I am so proud of how smart my little man is. He is growing up so much. I am so incredibly proud of both my kids and all of the new things that they both have been learning at school. I am absolutely glowing... my kids are simply amazing and I love them very much. This is going to be a short blog, because I just can't get enough of them! I want cuddle my babies as much as I can before bedtime... and homework time (ugh).
Summarized Update on My Weekend:
- School. Lots and lots of school work.
- Kids. Went to the lake today *woot woot*
- Boyfriend. Michael has been taking care of me, even through my flood of emotions and feelings. (It won't be like this forever)
- Church. Pastor Bill gave an amazing message this morning about how living up to God's law is impossible without grace. (Another reminder that I need to surrender... ok I get it)
- Round Table. Delivers amazing pizza.
- Life. Messy. I trust God to bring me through this. I have denied a lot of things for a long time and I have been trying to work through those painful memories. Most of the time I feel exhausted and want to give up, but I know that I can make it through this. I want to have honest and open relationships and the only way I can do that is by working through this junk.
- Water. Hydration is lovely!!!
- Charlie. Went to the lake today too and needed a shower tonight desperately.
- Music. My boyfriend makes amazing play lists and right now I am enjoying Soaking by Alberto and Kimberly Rivera.
- School. Needs to be mentioned again because it takes up the majority of my free time. I love all of the stories I get to read for my Lit class!!!
Ahhhh yes and now it is time for bed. Well, a nice glass of ice water and bed. Possibly a nice glass of ice water, a trip to the toilet facilities to disspell excess water, and then to bed.
Goodnight.
These past few weeks have been busy and draining. Last night, well, last night was different. I was able to relax and just enjoy the company of my wonderful kids and amazing boyfriend. It was good to just relax and laugh again. Life turns into busy-ness so easily for me. I can run around in circles with the best of them, but when I do that I lose sight of what God wants me to be doing. I am not honoring him with my time.
I am still going through the process of learning to listen to my heart, and not distracting myself from how I truly feel. It is still kicking my butt and I realized that one of the reasons I probably stopped listening to how I feel is because I am OVERLY-SENSITIVE and EMPATHETIC. Which means that when someone else feels like crap, I end up feeling like crap too. I don't take control of how I feel, I allow my environment to dictate that for me. Then the other side of that is that my tender heart becomes easily hurt. Throughout my life I learned to protect myself though and I built walls all around me. I learned not to listen to my sensitivity and taught myself to let things roll off my back. I love the idea of "mellow". I wanted that so desperately that I began to deny what my heart was really saying. I became a girl that didn't cry and I saw crying as a weakness. It was awkward and I didn't know what to do with it.
God is cleaning up the mess that I made and it hurts. I've been having to express how I am feeling to the people that I love, even if my head wants to tell me it is ridiculous and I shouldn't feel that way. Well, I do feel that way. I need to honor myself and my feelings by being honest about them. The amazing thing is I am learning to do that simply for myself, and not because I have an expectation of some sort of response from who I'm talking to. It's been great and I am really blessed God is changing this in my life.
I added some pictures from our trip to the coast a couple weeks ago. Enjoy!
For the life of me I cannot manage to find my camera ANYWHERE!!! It looks as though it may be about time to get a new one. So, the first day if school was today and the kids and I are WIPED OUT! I decided that at the very least I would have to capture the moment with my web cam, which explains our cheesy grins to the left of me.
Cameran started her very first day of pre-school. I was so excited for her!!! She is very social and I know that she is going to flourish with all of the new challenges that pre-school will bring her. The teacher said that she had an amazing day, but that she didn't eat very much of her lunch. Let's hope that her appetite returns by tomorrow!!
Christian acted like an old pro this morning. I am so proud of my boy. He is in 1st grade this year and already he knows the ropes. He has one of his really good buddies in his class and I am so excited for him to have the opportunity to make even more friends this year! Christian is such a little smarty pants. We started a 1st grade workbook at home and he is just flying through it. It is really going to be a fun year.
I also started school today. I am taking an online class out at Shasta College this semester. I'm only taking one class, because I am actually going to be starting at National University next month. It is thrilling to be on the brink of so much book-smarts... but let me just say that my kiddos and I are exhausted. We are dead tired... and a little bit cranky. It will take a while before we are able to get adjusted to our new schedules, but I know that we will get there.
Alright so maybe my blog last night was a little bit of a distraction from what is really going on with me. It was one of those many, "avoiding listening to my heart" moments. There have been a lot of big changes happening in my life lately. I absolutely HATE change. It makes the extremely stubborn side of myself want to dig in and refuse to accept what is happening. I don't like the unknown... it scares me.
So, it seems like things have started to shake up in every area of my life. My job, my family, my home, my kids, my friends, my focus... they are all being turned upside down and transformed. I should be excited about the new possibilities. There is a part of me that just wishes everything could have stayed the same though.
God loves change. He loves growth. He is transforming me into the woman that he needs for me to be in order to fulfill my destiny. Exciting? Yes. If I allow myself to see it that way. It hurts though, change hurts places in my heart that I would rather not pay attention to. It threatens the security that the familiar brings to the table.
I can only pray that God continues to work his will in my life, despite my stubbornness. Work in my life God, continue to turn my world upside down. I trust you to take care of me in all of this.
I am so tired of all the road construction that is happening in Redding!!! Everywhere I turn there is a horrible little man with a stop sign. There's no point in even attempting to wash my car with all the dirt and road particles that I have been trying to drive through everyday. Okay... so maybe I am being a little bit over-dramatic and whiny... but seriously the torn up road situation that is happening all over town is driving me insane.
This afternoon Michael and I watched Roman Holiday. I have been a huge fan of classic movies for quite some time now. I love them from the bottom of my heart. It is always amusing to me how many of these movies have been remade and I have already seen. There is so much in our culture that is simply re-used over and over again. It can be difficult to see where the true original thought even came from.
Even when listening to today's popular music, the majority of it has all been played before. It is simply cut and paste together into something new. I think that it is wonderful that it always seems to find a way to live on.
I do love the classics though. The original. It ends up making more sense somehow, and I am able to appreciate the latest version even more. I'm going to end this with a line from Roman Holiday:
"I have to leave you now. I'm going to that corner there and turn. You must stay in the car and drive away. Promise not to watch me go beyond the corner. Just drive away and leave me as I leave you."
I am learning to listen to my heart. It sounds like a pretty easy task, but it can be nearly impossible some days. When I am struggling with stress, or under pressure, all I want to do is distract myself. Distract myself from my heart in any way that I can. I probably wouldn't even have realized this if it weren't for my amazing Michael who is always wanting to know: where is my heart at?
So, I am learning to listen. I listen and I push away all of those distractions away... and by doing that I am able to have an amazing connection with God and the people that I love. The best way for me to start is by reading the Word of God and praying. It is amazing what a difference this can make in my world. I am so excited about being able to be open and honest with myself, and the people around me.
Naturally, my heart a lot of times can be filled with junk. When I am able to express that though, to talk about it, and lay it at the feet of God. Wow... the junk is able to get cleared out... and I feel SO much better. It can be really difficult to start, but when it happens it is absolutely phenomenal. I have been so blessed to find a man that loves me enough to go through this process with me. One of my favorite things about love, is how it makes us want to be better people, because we know that the people we love deserve our very very best.
Have you listened to your heart today???
I was so blessed that Michael came with us. It is amazing how much more complete our family feels when he is with us. I love him so much!! He and I learned a lot about each other this weekend. Traveling has a way of doing that to people. The good, the bad, and yes most definately the ugly all seem to make their appearance when we leave the routine we are used to at home.
