In my life I am searching for three different types of relationships with women. I am looking for someone to whom I can look up to, who can pour into me, and challenge me to push harder... a mentor. I am looking for someone who is experiencing all of this right by my side and who I can be challenged by as well as challenge... a friend. Finally, I am looking for someone that I can pour into... a student. These aren't the only relationships that I have, but they are the relationships that I am searching for in order to help me discover more about who I am and what I want.
My very dear and forever friend Erynn came up to visit me last night. She is my "friend" in this journey that I am taking right now. God placed that wonderful woman in my life 15 years ago... is that right? Goodness gracious... she is the longest friend that I have ever had. I invited her up to spend some time with me and it was absolutely incredible getting to connect with someone who is right at my level. Erynn has always had a very parallel life to my own. It is very different in countless way, but God has a way of pulling us through some of the same issues at the same time.
So... I got to spend time with my friend. Last night we went for Thai food, gelato (at Sweet Spot... if you haven't gone you totally should go it's delish and healthier than ice cream!), and then came back to my house painted pictures, drank wine, did face masks, and talked. Then this morning we went to a yoga class and out to a yummy lunch at Cheesecakes Unlimited. Needless to say it completely restored me after a busy week. It is so nice to be able to have someone in my life who truly knows who I am. It is marvelous being able to share something and have her be able to immediately relate to it. I am so happy that I have my friend. =)
That's only a portion of my journey though. I tend to surround myself with lots of "student" relationships. It's where I feel though most comfortable. There is a part of my codependent behavior that pops up and makes me feel more comfortable when I am "needed". It's been exciting to get to pour into the women in my life, with all of the new and wonderful things that I have been learning. I think that this desire is good and given to me by God to accomplish many amazing things, but I also think that it can be extremely unhealthy for me if I don't keep these relationships in balance. I get so caught up in sharing with these women what is going on in my life, and challenging them... that I forget that they didn't ask to be challenged by me. It's a delicate balance for me at the moment and I don't think that I am ready to be committed to being a mentor for anyone at the moment. I'm not worried about it though... I know that when I am where God wants me to be he will place those women in my life.
Then there leaves the relationship that I have been having the most difficult time obtaining: a mentor. Just the idea of it gives me a little bit of a shudder. To place someone in an authoritative role in my life, because they have something in their life that I want. It places me in uncomfortable position, because I become the one who is needing something. There is a part of me that thinks that there is something fundamentally wrong with that... I'm the one that is supposed to be needed... right? I think that may be part of the reason that I have had such a difficult time finding a mentor. It makes me vulnerable... which is scary. I want to grow though. I want to be able to see what it is that I want and have someone who knows first hand and is able to advise me on how to get it. I keep praying and praying and I know that God will bring her into my life someday... hopefully sooner then later.
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13 years ago
