Today

Today was a marvelous day... and marvelous things happened.
I made no bake cookies tonight. They taste yummy.

The End.

Mrs. Barnett

In the past few months I have not blogged much of anything at all. My focus was slightly distracted by my engagement to Mr. Michael Barnett. Well... we have survived and I have come out on the other end of this a happily married woman.

Now... it has come the time to focus on other things, but first a picture.




Ok... so the wedding went better than I could have hoped for... it was beautiful in every aspect of the word! Michael and I were surrounded by love and support. =) Then came the honeymoon... again it was fantastic to be able to spend time with my new husband! God really revealed some strength within me that he has been building up for some time now. Michael and I connected in some amazing ways, and we faced some challenges as well.
Now we are home with the kids trying to mesh our lives together. I have to admit that it has been a pretty challenging process so far. I have been pretty messy.... and I have had a really difficult time sharing that messiness with Michael. Well.. other than the times that I attempt to blame him for my messiness. There is something inside of me that always wants for things to be okay... even if I haven't taken the time to truly face the issue. I haven't wanted to connect with God and I have not made much of an effort at all to connect with family or friends in my life. LAME. Apparently it was confession time on the ol' blog here.

I am taking the time to stop and evaluate where I am at... and why not post it for the world to see? I could use the accountability... right? It may possibly motivate me to actually pick up the phone and connect with a LIVE human being. My life is beginning... this is a new and exciting time for me... I am going to stop running away and start moving forward.

Countdown: 1 day 15 hours

My wedding day is almost here and I will soon get to enjoy life as a married woman... a woman that is no longer planning and preparing for a wedding. HA! I can't wait!!!! Michael is an incredible man and I am so blessed to be spending the rest of my days as his partner in life. He's been in my life for a year and a half... and my entire world has seemed to have changed in that short time. Always and forever I will be so thankful that God has brought me the love of my life!!!

Morning Conversation

Our conversation in the car this morning...

Cameran: I know how cops are able to tell if you are speeding. Your red lights go on when you stop and if there are no red lights then you are going.

Christian: Some cops have mustaches.

Cameran: They do. I've never seen one though.

Christian: They really do. For reals... when I am a cop I will have a mustache.

Cameran: I know a cops name once. His name was Cop One.

Christian: His name was Cop One? Was he the first cop ever?

Cameran: Yep. He was the first cop ever. Then came Cop Two, Cop Three, Cop Four, and Cop Five. And the cops with the same numbers ride in the same car, but there can only be five of them. Mom what's five plus five?

Me: Ten

Cameran: There are only ten cops.

The On My Mind List

These are the following things that are currently swirling and twirling around my mind.

1. As of tomorrow I will have a 7 year old son. He is such a wonderful son... but for some reason he just keeps having birthdays, growing taller, and learning things. Boys... humph.
2. Building the skills to get married is more difficult than washing a full grown tom cat who is covered in bubblegum. I am really blessed to have Michael by my side through all of this though... he is amazing.
3. Redding is darn hot. Really darn hot. Really really darn hot. I love that it cools down in the evenings though... right now we have all the windows open and there is a cool breeze making its way around.
4. My cat and dog have formed a murderous league of dangerous animals. The cat is the assassin and then the dog disembodies the victim with his teeth. This wouldn't be such an issue, however the disembodiments are frequently occurring within my living room. The latest casualty... a lizard... was found in at least three sections.
5. My ex husband claims he will be coming to the mainland (from Hawaii) this winter. We haven't seen him in over 4 years... and I'm not overly excited about the reunion. The bright side is... I imagine his wardrobe mostly consists of boardshorts and flip flops... and I believe we are due for a winter wonderland when he arrives. Brrrrrrr... =P
6. Happiness should be independent of circumstance.
7. It's extremely difficult to step back and allow for people you love to make poor choices and suffer the consequences of that poor choice.
8. There is a bottle of wine in the fridge and ice cream in the freezer... which one to choose? which one to choose?
9. Lavender pillow spray from Bath and Body Works changed my life... when my head hits the pillow I just seem to melt into the covers.
10. God really loves me a lot. At this point in my life I have a beautiful daughter who loves to talk with me, an amazing and strong son who is learning how to be an honorable man, and I am marrying an honorable man who cooked me a delicious dinner tonight AND THEN massaged my shoulders as I did the dishes. =)

Conversations with Cameran

Cameran: "Do you know why prison is bad? Why people don't want to go there? I do."

Me: "Why?"

Cameran: "Because they feed you really yuck food."

Me: "What kind of food?"

Cameran: "They give you hamburgers without buns.... it's really gross. They only give you three things: hamburgers, ketchup, and mustard... no buns."

Best Interest

So... a lot of marriage stuff has been on my mind. Which should be a good thing... considering my wedding day is slowly (or rather quickly?) continuing to approach. This process definitely has its intense moments, but at the end of the day... I am still completely blessed and excited to be marrying Michael.

Okay... so the latest thoughts that I have been pondering were brought up not only by our marriage mentors, but by Michael's parents. In the past week they both brought up the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson (at least that is who comes up when I google "Love and Respect"). One of the things that really touched my heart about what was mentioned was that as a couple... it is crucial that you be able to go into a situation knowing that the other person has your best interest at heart. It really made me begin to examine some of my motives... do I go into various situations with Michael's best interests in mind? Maybe... sometimes... sure... but not nearly enough. I want to be able to answer that question with an "ABSOLUTELY I DO!!!". I'm sure that God and I can figure out a way to get me there.

Ultimate Joy and Happiness

<---- One of our engagement pictures from last Saturday.

I have been learning some fantastic things about joy the past couple of weeks. The past few weeks have been difficult. Moving... moving... unpacking... and the thermostat in Redding being turned up to "extra hot and toasty" have not really helped with the building frustration. Every morning for the past week I have begun my day by inviting God's presence and joy into my life. It has not been easy. From the moment that I wake up... I have had absolutely no motivation and an extremely lame attitude problem. I press in to God's love for me... and it really seems to help.

Today I was extremely blessed to be able to enjoy some of the fruit from my persistence. There is something very strong inside of me that is radiating with joy!! It seems to be unshakable and I have been able to meet the challenges with a quiet strength that I don't remember having before. I still made mistakes today... I still had "unfun" things to have to face, but in every moment I have had a wonderful awareness that there is no reason that those things should steal my joy.

One of the things that Michael and I are learning from our marriage mentors :required reading: is the effect of a positive and negative attitude on your relationships. If your joy is attached to your circumstance... then the majority of the time even if your circumstances are good... you'll continue to have a negative perspective. However, if your positive attitude is independent of circumstance... life is able to be wonderful no matter what circumstance may try to dictate. I want more of that!!!

Defining the Relationship

I have really been enjoying our Thursday nights with Frank and Amanda! We were not able take the "Defining the Relationship" class at Bethel... because it doesn't even begin until close to the time when we will *hopefully*... be VERY close to getting married. =) So... I bought the DVDs and workbooks and we are going over to Frank and Amanda's once a week. It has already blessed me SO much to be able to talk and share with them... AND listen to the lessons by Danny Silk of course.

Michael and I are also going to begin to meet with a marriage mentor couple. We should be meeting with them for the first time at the end of next week. I am really excited to get to meet with them! I am especially interested to find out how Michael and I scored on our compatibility tests!!! I'm sure we can already guess the areas of our relationship that could use some extra help, but it will be fun to get the results all the same!!!

Marrying Michael?

A question that popped up last week is:

Why am I marrying Michael?


I talked with Michael about it today at lunch. We had a delicious meal at The Downtown Eatery, the sweet potato fries are AMAZING!! Anyhow... his answer is totally different then mine.. its not even funny. It just goes to prove that he is indeed a man and I am indeed a woman. I won't share his answer... if you want to know... then you'll have to ask him. LOL I'm sure he'll love getting asked this question more than once. ;)

So, "Why am I marrying Michael?" I believe that God has an amazing purpose for my life. He has things that he wants for me to do, that no one else on the face of the planet would be able to do. Ya... I'm special... you are too!! =) Michael is the man that God has placed in my life to help me to fulfill that purpose. He has tools, gifts, and insights that are an incredible blessing to me and super supportive on my journey. My relationship with Michael is an adventure that teaches me more and more about relationships each and everyday. That is one of the main reasons that God created us... relationship... relationship with Him and relationship with others. I am making a commitment to carry on with this adventure with him for the rest of my life. Learning together how to pursue God and how to pursue each other. It's lovely learning all of this relationship stuff with Mr. Barnett.

Oh ya and as far as marriage is concerned... it helps that I am MADLY in love with Michael. The passion runs deep my friend. ;)

Dresses and Glory

There are so many wedding plans swirling around... it is AMAZING!!! Everything that Michael has planned for our wedding so far is an absolute dream come true!! I was able to find my wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses on the very first trip out. I can't even begin to express how completely blessed I am. God is giving me more than I could have ever dreamed for. Those small little things, the things that I would be too embarrassed to even say out loud... he's giving me those things too!

This weekend I got to go with my maid of honor, one of my bridesmaids, my grooms mom, my grooms sister, and my step-mom on a trip to find the perfect dress. It was such a wonderful time! I was so excited that everyone was able to come and share in that time.
Okay... time to step back... there is a purpose for me not knowing the date of my wedding. There is a purpose for Michael taking over the responsibility of planning our wedding. I'm supposed to be doing something else... I am supposed to be preparing my heart. What does that look like? To begin I am starting to look deeper inside my heart... "strength-training"... the heart kind. On Sunday I had a vision during worship where God revealed to me that I have NEVER fully experienced his glory. I have had glimpses of it... on the side of my face... on the back of my neck... but I have NEVER come face to face on my knees with his glory. He revealed this to me... because it is going to change. I am going to be hit smack in the face with it... and I'll never want to be away from it again... I will spend the rest of my life seeking His glory.

I haven't been ready, but I will be. He's drawing me closer everyday... he reveals himself more and more all the time. I am going to keep pressing in... I can't wait to see what is around the next bend. So... as the wedding plans move closer... I am trying to keep my focus on drawing closer to God. It's really tough sometimes, I could probably spend A LOT of my time focused on the wedding. Dreaming... dreaming.. dreaming... God give me the strength instead to be preparing... preparing... preparing.

The Presence

I felt the presence of God tonight. It was one of those moments where my heart simply began to ache from the love and peace I was experiencing. I long so much to live in that place... to rest at His feet and take pleasure in His presence.

My core group was tonight. I have been so incredibly blessed by my relationships with these women. I've blogged before about some of the struggles that I have faced in my friendships. I have been an unhealthy person... which led me to pursue and create unhealthy friendships. The dynamic that I have been experiencing in my core group is absolutely indescribable!! I've never felt like this about a group of women before, I walk into a room with them and I feel at peace. I love listening to their stories... and sharing my heart with them. I love being vulnerable with these women... I love being able to rest in their strength.

Praise God for all of the amazing things he has been doing!!! He takes care of me and provides me with all of the desires of my heart. From the smallest moments, to the life altering times... He delights in showing me how much He truly loves me. His anointing is clearly on my life... the blessings have been falling down like rain and I cannot even begin to imagine what he has in store for me next. I am so undeserving... and he loves me anyway. Even in those "hard to swallow" times... they are all just a reminder of how he longs to care for me.

Resting at his feet... I love to lay in his presence... I don't have to do or say anything... he delights in my peace!! =) I am going to seek more of this... I am going to seek more of the simple pleasure of being with Him.

Frustrated

I am frustrated! Grrrrrrr! I don't feel supported... I don't feel like people understand what I want... I don't feel like people feel as though I'm allowed to "want what I want". It's majorly irritating, because when it comes down to it... I care about the opinions of these people. I want for them to be happy for me, and it doesn't look as though that is going to happen.

I totally hate this feeling of helplessness. I'm not really sure how to move forward. I could use some major "sent from above" wisdom.

The Engagement Story

This is a picture of Michael and I when we first started our relationship in December of 2007.

This past memorial day weekend, Michael and I were house-sitting at my Aunt Cyndee's house. It was a blast!!! She has a pool, pond, horse, dogs, property, a beautiful home and we definitely made use of all of it this weekend. On Saturday... I was really struggling with some things... and so I started to talk with Michael about it and be vulnerable with him. We began reading Psalms 40 together (amazing chapter!!!) and praying. In the middle of that, Christian got in trouble and was sitting in time out on the couch. Michael calls Christian over and says, "What would you think about me marrying your Mom?" Christian says, "That would be good, you are nice" haha so cute!! So.... Michael looks at me and says, "I think it is time for you to give me your ring" (you may have to read my post "Discussing Wedding Bells" to know what that means). I don't really know what to do or say... so I just sat there quietly staring at him.

Then Michael asks Christian, "What does a man do when he wants for a woman to marry him?" And Christian replies, "He says 'Can you marry me?'" So... Michael looks at me and says, "Can you marry me?" I start laughing and tell him, "YES!!!!" Then Michael looks at Christian and says, "This is what a man does when he wants for a woman to marry him..." at that point he got down on one knee and said some of the most beautiful, personal, and sweet things I have ever heard!!! At the very end he asked me, "Will you marry me?" I said, "Yes." and jumped into his arms with the hugest smile on my face.

Christian went out and told Cameran and she kept asking, "Really? are they really getting married???" Haha the answer is yes.... we are really getting married. We plan on doing marriage mentoring which will take at least 12 weeks (if anyone knows the people over there, could you give them a nudge on getting back to me!!!). Then after that we will be getting married. I am not going to know the date (again you'll have to refer to my previous post "Discussing Wedding Bells" if you want to know why). So... if you want exact details you will have to ask Michael.

I am so incredibly happy!! I have found the man of my dreams and I anticipate with pleasure the day that our two lives will become one. I ask that everyone pray that I am able to rest and enjoy this season of engagement, because honestly I would love to just run off and marry the man of my dreams tomorrow. I know there is something more than that for me in this season though. Thank you everyone for the congratulations!!! All of the well wishes have blessed me more than you know!!! Being able to feel the love and support of the community around us, is such an amazing encouragement to me!!

Ah yes... and the rumors are true... he did propose when I was without make-up and still in my pajamas. Hehe now that is true love!!!

A MUST READ!!!

Should I beat around the bush? Or just come out and say it?

I'm engaged!!!!

Updates

Ever since my birthday I have been absolutely exhausted! Is this what it feels like to be old??? Have I gotten to this point already at the ripe old age of 24??? The only reason I have managed to stay awake as late as I have, is because I took a nap earlier this evening! Wow... what a negative and complaining attitude... what is going on here?

I just want to take a little bit of time before bed to send forth praise to God for the things that he has been doing in my life. It is so easy to focus on the bad things. There always seems to be SOMETHING that I could complain about... but I am so tired of allowing that spirit to take over my life. It's not thanksgiving.... but I don't need a turkey to recognize the blessings God has given me in my life.

1. The thing I am probably most excited about right now is exploring a future with the man that I love. I love having him in my life and am so blessed to get to experience these seasons with him by my side. Thank you God for trusting me with his heart... I will be praising your goodness for the rest of my life!!

Michael and I at a wine tasting in Napa!

2. My kids are amazing!!! Summer is coming up and it blows me away how much my kids have learned over the past year. I can't believe my babies will be turning 5 and 7 this summer!!!!

Christian and Cameran outside of Cool Hand Lukes

3. We're moving this summer... to a house!! With the kids growing up... and the possibility of another family member in the upcoming future... we are upgrading to a beautiful 3 bedroom home with a deliciously big backyard.

Ninja shot of the new place!!!

Just a taste of the blessing and favor that God has on my life. More to come!!! I need to get to bed, that nap was not long enough!!!

The Lesson

What does it mean to truly be in love?

It means that even when that person isn't around... I choose better... because I love them. The love does not fade or disappear when they aren't around. It grows stronger. It changes me. It changes my relationships with others. In order to express my love... I have to choose better in EVERY area... not just the areas that directly impact my relationship.

It's a tough lesson to learn... but I just may be beginning to understand it.

Discussing Wedding Bells

Michael and I have started discussing marriage a bit more seriously. We've been taking a closer look at some pretty heavy issues in order to make sure that we have all of the cards on the table. One of the the more interesting things that has come up a discussion about the actual wedding ceremony. What if the wedding ceremony was more a mixture reflective of Jesus coming back for his bride? What if the bride didn't know when her actual wedding day was? What if she prepared for the wedding... and then one day the man of her dreams knocked on her door to sweep her away. All of her family and friends already knew that this day was here, and were able to come and celebrate with the happy couple.

Could you imagine? Michael is much better at explaining this than I am. But wow. With so many couples focused on the wedding day, the idea of the bride not even knowing when the wedding day is fascinates me! I'm not the type of woman that has the wedding of her dreams planned out... it just has never been me. I wouldn't need for my wedding to be a certain way in order to be happy. How wonderful would it be for the wedding itself to be a beautiful gift that is especially prepared for the bride? Ya... I know it is pretty far out there... but the idea of it is pretty amazing!!

Another thing that we had discussed, that was more on the frivolous side of marriage, was the wedding ring. I'm not a big fan of jewelery... it's not really my thing. I have one ring that I love to wear and that is pretty much it. My ring was given to me on my 21st birthday as a gift from my Dad and Grammy. It has a diamond from one of her diamond earrings, and two rubies that represent my kids. My Dad had the stones placed in a setting for me and I have had it on my finger ever since. When I get married I want for it to be with this ring that means so much to me. So, I talked with Michael about it... and if he were to propose to me... he would take my ring instead of giving me one. He would then have it made into something beautiful and new that he would present to me on our wedding day. I wouldn't have an engagement ring on my finger prior to the wedding, but I would have the promise that the man of my dreams would be giving me his heart. *sigh* haha... I know that it is anything but traditional, but these unique expressions of love absolutely melt my heart!!! So... if you don't see my ring on my finger you'll know what it means... lol!

So... those are a couple of the things that I am processing right now. Of course we are also talking about kids, family, finances, jobs, expectations, lifestyles, and all of those lovely things. I guess I just figured I would share the juicy stuff. Just to clarify... I am not engaged... just exploring the possibility right now.

A big wet SMOOCH

What a beautiful night last night! Michael, the kids, and I went out to dinner at Fiesta Azteca, mostly because I had a long week and was ready for a margarita. I had seen their margarita sign earlier and knew that was the place for me! They have the most amazing club something or other that is only on their lunch menu, but if you order it they will totally serve it up. It's like a mix between a quesadilla and a club sandwhich... mexican food with bacon... wow. The food was delicious, but we were ready for something sweet. So... we went to a cute little yogurt shop by Raley's on Lake. Mmmm... I had delicious bannana split! It was SO good that I don't remember much else about the yougurt shop hah.

None of us were big on going to Cool April Nights... so we decided to go bumper bowling at Shasta Lanes instead. We started off by playing on teams.... boys vs. girls... Princesses vs. Bad Boyz (the kids picked the team names hehe) the boys won. =P So... not cool. Cameran is really getting the hang of bowling... we used to have to get the ramp for her on each turn... but she's able to do it all on her own! After the boys victory we decided to stay and play another game, Cameran was tired so she decided to sit it out. So... it was Mamma, Stryker, and Bowser knocking down the pins. I may have played the best game of my entire life! The first 5 rounds I got either a spare or a strike... I was on fire! Of course the competive boys were not too happy that I was cleaning house in the points department. Well... after round 5 they turned down the lights for rock and bowl... and my luck began to fade... I just couldn't seem to knock all of those pins down. =( It was still such a blast though! I bowl straight, and Michael does more of a curve ball, and so it was so cute to watch Christian switching from my style of bowling, to Michael's! Sidenote: I won hehe.

When we got home the weather was beautiful! I begged Michael to take go out and look at the stars with me. As soon as we dragged our blankets outside though, I realized that my sprinklers had just gone off hah. Oh well... change of plans... we moved our blankets on to the driveway. The stars were beautiful! The weather was warm, with a slight chill, and a gentle breeze that rustled the leaves of the trees. Eventually the kids filtered out and we all snuggled up under blankets looking at the stars. *sigh* in that moment God just gave me a great big wetter than wet smooch, right on the lips!!!! Being there... listening to the kids laugh and sing... being held in the arms of the man of my dreams... looking up on the night sky... I want so much more of that in my life! It was AMAZING! Thank you God so much for blessing me SO much last night. I really needed the encouragement. =)

How does it feel to be the clay?

A lovely picture of my precious daughter, before she went to bed tonight.

The world has changed and to be honest most of the time I'm not really sure what to do with it all. The past year has resulted in some HUGE changes for me. Goodness... two years ago I don't think many would even recognize me as being the same person haha. God has messed me up... and while it hasn't always felt pleasant... it has been amazing. I believe there is a Joyce Meyer quote that talks about the potter and the clay analogy. She says something along the lines of: imagine being the clay being pushed and pulled and having pieces that have to come off because they aren't part of the vessels purpose... I don't imagine it feels very nice to be the clay.

I am definitely the clay. God has challenged me to be direct and honest with the people in my life. Something that isn't very pleasant... considering I'm not a very big fan of confrontation. Sometimes honesty creates confrontation and that's scary... but I am learning to trust that with God in control of my life... it's okay. It's okay to speak my mind and be honest, even if it's not pretty and isn't what people would expect to hear from me. I still struggle with it before I ACTUALLY do it... but I get there and eventually it will become natural for me.

God has been teaching me that I am a fighter. Ya... seriously ha... who would have thought? When I am faced with a tough situation I typically see two options:

1. Fight it.
2. Give up.

Since I have no desire to give up... most of the time I end up fighting it... which is and isn't good... it isn't good when I do it without God's help and attempt to do it with my own strength. I'm learning that there is another option... which involves surrender... but it also involves seeking out the truth... and fighting the lies on my knees in prayer. I have authority and strength in the kingdom of God... wow my God is good. =)

So... that is where I am at this beautiful Easter Sunday. MUCH MUCH more to come...

Quick Note

God has done amazing things this weekend. I am so excited to see what he has in store for me next. More details later. I am totally going to go and soak in his presence.

Spring Break

I'm on Spring Break this week. Yay me. The rest of my life continues to swirl on. Yay life. In the past two weeks God has broken off two huge things off me. 1.Overcommitment. 2. Playing a role I cannot fill (Dad). Yay God!

Fear or Love?

^{1John 4:18}
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

When I allow fear to come into my relationships there is a disconnect that takes place. I become scared and I allow myself to build a huge wall between me and the other person. There are times when I don't even know that I was scared, until I realize that my heart has become disconnected from that person.

How can I tell that I am disconnected? I stop allowing myself to be honest. I no longer trust that person to hear my innermost thoughts... I no longer want that person to see who I am... they might hurt me. Typically the reason that wall is put up in the first place is because they have hurt me. They hurt me and I chose not to be honest about it... I put up a wall instead.

I frequently struggle with fear and love in my relationships. What will I choose... fear or love? I just went through this in my relationship with Michael. I had a wall up and it was keeping me from getting to experience genuine relationship with him. I was scared... and fear does not allow for love to exist. I had to choose to be honest with him even though it was scary and that created the opportunity for love to come back in.

Victory! Haha thank you God for the victory! I want to be open and vulnerable in my relationships. I want to choose love over fear. It feels amazing! The connection that is experienced is worth the fight... after all it's your heart that is being fought for. I am really blessed to have a man in my life that will fight for my heart with me. He's not okay with me putting a wall inbetween us and will help me in tearing that sucker down. I'm learning so many amazing things in my relationship with Michael and I am always so excited to get to share these experiences and implement them in my other relationships.

Love does not allow for fear to exist.
I choose LOVE.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Cory sent me a lovely email this morning... check it out!

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Homework

This is me... at Michael's ... doing homework...

Can you tell how much fun I'm having?

The reality is that I am completely blessed to have such an AMAZING boyfriend. He has been so supportive about me being back in school. I can't imagine what this would have been like without him in my life. I had a big deadline on Sunday night... and my man TOTALLY hooked me up. He let me chill at his newly decorated pad (it's so cozy in there now!) and took the kids back to my house. Where he continued to clean my kitchen and prepare a delicious dinner for me to eat when I was all done with homework. THEN he even proofread my assignment before I turned it in (which I just found out I got an A on the assignment!!!).

Ya... I know... he is a dream come true!

Venting

I become frustrated when I listen to people that have difficulty forming their own opinions. Instead they choose to regurgitate information they have read, without having any connection to it at all. I also HATE it when there is an expectation for the GOVERNMENT to fix everyone's problems.
The public cries out:

Fix this! Fix that! Control us! We're scared to live our lives!

The complete dependence that we form on government is disgusting sometimes. I don't need the government to run my life... I'm dependent on God not man. I'm sorry that some people fail to realize the co-dependent lifestyle that all of us have ingrained into us from as early as possible.

Bleck... haha so I vent and its possible that it may or may not make sense.

My backstory: I've been having discussions about the educational system in my English class and I can hear all of the sheep bleating together "Baaaaaaaa! Let the government fix it by creating more regulations!" I'm exhausted... the Government stole an hour of my sleep with a mandatory time change and I need to release some of this frustration before heading to bed.

Creation

I read the most AMAZING argument for creation tonight. I just HAD to share the beautiful simplicity of it all.

Some think that no intelligent design was needed for the creation of our planet; that the earth is nothing more than an accident. How is that possible when we can't even keep it in its former condition ON PURPOSE? ( the beautiful healthy planet that God provided for us... it is a gift... not an accident)

Stretching Out Dude...

I was hanging out in bed... on the computer... checking out some of my friends blogs... I turn around and had to take a pic with the webcam. LOL. This is my dog Charlie... the number one reason why I need to get a bigger bed. The dude likes to stretch out... whatever works... haha ya know?

My Man

What can I say? I am in love with an incredible man. Love has completely changed my life! There is no better motivator than the man of my dreams. He is the strength that I rely on when I am facing the strongholds that have been pushing me down my entire life. When I don't want to face the tough stuff and I just want to roll up in a ball and shut out the world... I can't... he deserves my best no matter what else is going on.

Ya... so nothing big tonight. We rented a movie and ate some Chinese food. It was a nice evening in. When I look at that man though...

*sigh*

he just makes me weak in my knees. I am so blessed that God has placed him in my life. God has been bringing the two of us some amazing things lately. It has its rough moments, but every step we take God seems to be preparing the two of us for what he has planned for our lives. It's an adventure... and I LOVE that I get to go there with him by my side.

Unconditional

There are so many things to write about and not nearly enough time to talk about them all. This is a pretty crazy week. I have my little sister Beka staying with us, and it is pretty incredible all the extra driving and running around that takes place when you add one extra kid into your life.

God has been loving on me this week. I have an AMAZING testimony. It's a little bit... racy... I guess... so um.. that's my parental warning.

Last night I felt like CRAP. I had one of my migraines and it was really intense. I could barely walk the pain was so unbearable. So, Michael came over and he was working on his laptop and I sat on the couch next to him drowning in my pain. The kids were watching Batman in the kids corner (Christian has a major thing for red heads and is in love with Poison Ivy). So... Michael and I are on the couch... and suddenly I get this urge to totally start making out. I'm like... what the heck? I feel like crap with my migraine... the kids are right there... what in the world is this? So, I brush it off. It comes back. I brush it off again. And this pattern repeats itself for like half an hour. Finally I decide to talk about it with Michael.

It was amazing... even in my migraine-haze I was able to have enough self-awareness to figure out what was going on. I wanted for Michael to take care of me, I had a desire for him to rub my neck to relieve some of the pressure that was going on with my migraine. Instead of asking him for that though... I felt like I needed to compensate in some way and manipulate him to do what I wanted. That's what I've had to do before, in order to be taken care of. In order to receive I had to give something in return, I had a lie telling me that this was the way things worked.

Talking about it changed everything! I know that Michael loves me... I know that I can ask him to take care of me. He does it because he loves me. Not because I give him something in return. Wow. Thinking about that again really makes me smile hehe. So.. long story short... the wonderful man in my life took care of me. He massaged my neck, helped me relax, prayed for me, helped me to let go of the stress that was causing my migraine, put me to bed, and put the kids to bed. I woke up in the morning and I was healed! Praise Jesus!

God has been teaching me about unconditional love lately. It's a tough concept to understand. Unconditional love means that I didn't earn it... which is weird to me. Conditional love means I have to work for it... which is exhausting. This type of love can also lead me down the path of trying to manipulate those around me... LAME! I know that I want unconditional love, but I do enjoy feeling as though I earned the love I am receiving. If I haven't earned it... then I don't have control over it... that's scary. Wow... I love when my God reveals his heart to me.

More on that later... I'm off to bed. Goodnight!

A Flood of Tears

I'm totally exhausted tonight, but I really feel the need to put some stuff out there. Hopefully it makes sense. If it doesn't I will just have to be blessed by your grace! =P

I feel very alone right now. I think that it is something that most women feel... A LOT. It has nothing to do with the people in my life. Michael is amazing as ever, but there is this sense of loneliness that has been creeping up on me this week. This feeling smacked me across the face tonight and I broke down in tears. I HATE crying. It makes me angry to even think about it. I still have very little desire to be vulnerable in this way. It seems as though Friday is having this effect on me for multiple occasions for some reason. On Fridays I cry.

So... I cried on the phone to my boyfriend... while he was at work... and someone had to walk out of the room so he could talk to me. GREAT! If I didn't feel cruddy enough some random person now knows that I have taken to this bizarre ritual of falling apart on Fridays. I want him to rescue me, he wants to rescue me, but we both know that he's not what I'm looking for. It sucks. I wish that he was. I hang up with him and I feel even more vulnerable then before (which isn't particularly a good thing in my opinion).

Then I headed out the door to visit my Grammy. It hurts too much to even talk about this... blah. I get there and I start crying again... and there are people there... friends of hers. I head upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom trying to pull it together until my presence is required at dinner. Those are my last tears of the night. I enjoy my time with them, but there seemed to be such a hardness wrapped around my heart. I think I almost prefer the tears.

Now I'm home. I don't know what God is doing right now in my life and I don't really feel like I need to know... at least in this exact moment. I don't even know if the tears are from him or the enemy. It's messy. Very messy. I am confident that these tears are bringing me where I need to be though. Old patterns are being uprooted and healing is taking place in my heart. I'm learning to rest and cry in my Daddy's arms.

Searching for Love

It's insanity to run from God and search for love.

Aim

"Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why -- an aim -- for their lives in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence. Woe to him who saw no more sense in his life, no aim, no purpose, and therefore no point in carrying on. He was soon lost."

- Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps of WWII

Trust and Strength

Part 1

We worry about paying the bills, but never worry about having air to breathe. But really which one is more critical to life?
-Erwin Macmanus

God is amazing. I'm learning to trust Him more each day.

Part 2
I realized something more about my passion and purpose in life tonight. I have a desire to help others see what they are best at. Have you ever taken a Strengths Test? It's a really cool test that helps you to discover your strengths. I took mine a while ago and discovered that my top 5 strengths are:

Harmony
Individualization
Responsibility
Maximizer
Context

By realizing my strengths I am begin to see the purpose God has for my life a little bit more clearly. I have this combination of strengths because that is what God wanted me to have. I could go into more detail... but I want to start my week off right and get to bed! If you haven't taken a strengths test I would highly recommend it!

Vulnerable

I hate being vulnerable. I hate asking for things. I hate putting my fragile heart on a platter and allowing someone else to decide what to do with it. What if they mistreat it? What if they ignore it? Then I have my excuse to push them away and never be vulnerable again. Why am I allowing someone else to have control of MY vulnerability?

It's been a messy week. My heart is hurting. God and I have been tearing down some of the walls I have around my heart and it hasn't felt very nice. I don't know what to do, I feel very exposed. It doesn't help that not very many people know how to handle me in this freshly peeled state. Things that normally wouldn't bother me, hurt me in a whole new way. Things that do bother me are capable of bringing me into hysterical tears.

Yep, it's a mess.

Figured It Out

Alright, so this has been a really tough week for me. I have been completely unmotivated in my exercise routine... and I have wanted to eat everything. I haven't eaten EVERYTHING, but I did break down and have a chili dog last night. I know... blah... BUT right now I'm totally excited because I figured out what "it" is:


I didn't exercise over the weekend.



Since I have started losing weight I have exercised every day or at least every other day. When I went out of town for the weekend I went THREE days without working out. My body didn't like that. Isn't that awesome? My body craves working out... it needs it... I am so excited to know what in the world this funk has been about for the last week. =)

Identity

I am searching for the answer to the grandest question of all time: Who am I? It's a journey that has led me to some pretty intense realizations. This is a really hard question for me to answer, because I typically answer it with: Who do you want me to be? I allow for others to define who I am. I don't react based on the truths that I hold within myself... I react based on what I believe others want.

Lately I have been stretching myself in so many directions, that it's not surprising that there aren't very many people who know me well at the moment. I am experimenting. I'm testing things out and trying to figure out what it is that I really want, I'm pursuing my future. I'm not really sure what that looks like at the moment, but I want to though.

I allow myself to get so caught up in "self-improvement". There are so many things that I want to change about my life. So many things that I want to do with this amazing life God has given me... I just take step after step in that new direction. I'll read books, change habits, restructure priorities. I'm a practical person and those are all practical ways to obtain change. I am a goal setter, which is totally good. I see the goal in front of me and then I start figuring out the steps it will take for me to get there. I have a lot going on right now... lots of goals... lots of steps... I'm getting there, but it's exhausting.

I want more then a practical change in my life! I want a change that is only capable through God. Which means doing something that makes no sense to me... being still. Being still and just resting and spending time with Him. He is capable of changing my heart in every way. Goodness... he can give me a NEW heart!

The King and I

I've been doing really well eating healthier... but last night I went to Burger King. I was on my dinner break from my night class, I needed to pick up a game called "Settlers of Catan" for Michael's birthday party (which they only sell at Barnes and Noble apparently), I had skipped lunch so I could make it to my Dad's work birthday party, the clock was ticking, and I was desperate for quick hunger relief. So I went to the drive through at Burger King. It was nasty... I was starving... and it made me sick. I don't think you'll catch me with a greasy burger anytime soon.

So.. I'm sick. It's really lame. I'm trying to get healthy. Pray people. Pray.

Why Church?

I have been regularly attending Bethel Church for close a year now. It is an amazing fellowship that I have really been blessed to attend. The past couple of weeks I have really been struggling with attending church for some reason. With everything that has been keeping me busy lately it has just felt like another thing on my list of "to do" items. I really was looking for some inspiration to refuel my fire and I came across the following article:

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday."I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today."

No comments were made on the sermon contents anymore.

Update on my Resolutions

Here's a little bit of an update on my resolutions:


1. Create a budget. I have been able to create a manageable budget by using cash and checks more and keeping track of my receipts.
2. Create and sustain a healthy lifestyle. I go to the gym practically EVERY day. I was there at 5:30am this morning. Since I have started I have lost a total of 9.7 pounds! I won the Biggest Loser competition this week AND I've beaten Michael in our weight loss challenge for 2 weeks in a row!
3. Manage my home. I am really impressed with myself in this area. It's not an easy thing for me, but I've been doing it! I haven't been perfect, but I've stayed on top of everything and kept it manageable... yes even laundry.
4. Discover more about who I am, what I want, and what my passion is. I've been reading and pursuing this... it's getting good... I'll share more later.
5. Healthy relationships. Totally moving forward... I'm working on vulnerability right now.
6. Get Married. I have a ring on that "special" finger. Ha! Which has thrown everyone for a loop, but it's really just a ring that my Daddy and Grammy gave me for my 21st birthday. I normally wear it on the other hand, but my ASL class makes it uncomfortable to wear on my right hand right now.

Mentor, Friend, and Student

In my life I am searching for three different types of relationships with women. I am looking for someone to whom I can look up to, who can pour into me, and challenge me to push harder... a mentor. I am looking for someone who is experiencing all of this right by my side and who I can be challenged by as well as challenge... a friend. Finally, I am looking for someone that I can pour into... a student. These aren't the only relationships that I have, but they are the relationships that I am searching for in order to help me discover more about who I am and what I want.

My very dear and forever friend Erynn came up to visit me last night. She is my "friend" in this journey that I am taking right now. God placed that wonderful woman in my life 15 years ago... is that right? Goodness gracious... she is the longest friend that I have ever had. I invited her up to spend some time with me and it was absolutely incredible getting to connect with someone who is right at my level. Erynn has always had a very parallel life to my own. It is very different in countless way, but God has a way of pulling us through some of the same issues at the same time.






So... I got to spend time with my friend. Last night we went for Thai food, gelato (at Sweet Spot... if you haven't gone you totally should go it's delish and healthier than ice cream!), and then came back to my house painted pictures, drank wine, did face masks, and talked. Then this morning we went to a yoga class and out to a yummy lunch at Cheesecakes Unlimited. Needless to say it completely restored me after a busy week. It is so nice to be able to have someone in my life who truly knows who I am. It is marvelous being able to share something and have her be able to immediately relate to it. I am so happy that I have my friend. =)

That's only a portion of my journey though. I tend to surround myself with lots of "student" relationships. It's where I feel though most comfortable. There is a part of my codependent behavior that pops up and makes me feel more comfortable when I am "needed". It's been exciting to get to pour into the women in my life, with all of the new and wonderful things that I have been learning. I think that this desire is good and given to me by God to accomplish many amazing things, but I also think that it can be extremely unhealthy for me if I don't keep these relationships in balance. I get so caught up in sharing with these women what is going on in my life, and challenging them... that I forget that they didn't ask to be challenged by me. It's a delicate balance for me at the moment and I don't think that I am ready to be committed to being a mentor for anyone at the moment. I'm not worried about it though... I know that when I am where God wants me to be he will place those women in my life.

Then there leaves the relationship that I have been having the most difficult time obtaining: a mentor. Just the idea of it gives me a little bit of a shudder. To place someone in an authoritative role in my life, because they have something in their life that I want. It places me in uncomfortable position, because I become the one who is needing something. There is a part of me that thinks that there is something fundamentally wrong with that... I'm the one that is supposed to be needed... right? I think that may be part of the reason that I have had such a difficult time finding a mentor. It makes me vulnerable... which is scary. I want to grow though. I want to be able to see what it is that I want and have someone who knows first hand and is able to advise me on how to get it. I keep praying and praying and I know that God will bring her into my life someday... hopefully sooner then later.

Good, Better, Best

"Good, Better, Best" is something that my Dad frequently says to describe office furniture. Everything we have to offer at Scarbrough Office Design is good, better, or the best. Basically there is nothing bad. We choose to carry lines that are quality and we carry that quality in a variety of price ranges. The Good is our least expensive, Better is our mid-range, and Best is our top of the line products. All of them are products that we feel are worth putting our name behind. Whether it is "Good, Better, or Best" we want for Scarbrough Office Design to represent quality.

I was thinking about how that philosophy is applying to me as I continue to make changes and improvements in my life. God is good. EVERYTHING he made is good and of high quality. Including me... with all of my faults, flaws, and sins the place where I get to start is "good". There is nothing bad or disappointing about that, God creates high quality... and I am blessed to be a part of that... his creation.

So... that's Part 1... now here's Part 2. Is that good enough for me? Is that what I want? Nope. I want to be the "best". I know that sounds incredibly competitive, but it's not even about competition. It's about being the best... me... which isn't something I would be able to compete with anyone... because it's me... duh. Now wanting to be the best sounds like a lot of pressure, right? It sounds as though it would be like trying to achieve perfection or some nonsense like that... right?

Nope... it's a process. Sometimes I'll choose better then what I normally would and that's a step in the right direction. There will be times when I will have to be satisfied with being good, which is pretty amazing in itself. However, if I'm always trying to figure out what my best is... then I will be the best. Just being aware of what that looks like is a huge deal.

I'm learning new things about myself all the time and I've been spending a lot of my time and energy trying to figure out what I am most passionate about. I want purpose for my life in everything that I do. I love goals. I want to have that big all encompassing goal that is the basis for all the smaller ones. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm getting there. I'm moving from good, to better, and I will get to best.

Refining my heart...

I am an emotional eater. It is so hard to admit that. These past few days I have had a lot of things going on in my life. The same things that are typically there... but I have been choosing to eat healthy food instead of eat whatever I want. It sucks. Most of the time I'm not even physically hungry, I just have an emotion going on that makes me want to celebrate or comfort myself. I changed my life about a year and a half ago. I made a commitment to purity and it made quite an impact on me. It was a good change, the problem was that I had removed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and lumped them all into eating instead of fully dealing with what was going on. I have gained at least 20 pounds since then and the thought of giving this up is terrifying to me.

The last two days have been really rough on me. I am an emotional mess and I even have a hard time smiling. I love to smile... this is not me. All of those emotions that I have shoved down with food are all bubbling up to the surface. I have to give this to God, because if I don't I will just end up as a floundering mess. I am a floundering mess... haha... let's get real now. I've been super moody and unavailable to the people I love, I hate it.

I would love to just stay locked in my house right now and avoid everything and everyone. I have been going to the gym daily... and I over strained myself with the trainer on Tuesday and my muscles are hurting... seriously hurting. It makes me so sad that I allowed for my body to get to this point. I'm a beautiful girl that just happens to have a layer of fat that's distracting from my true beauty a bit. That's not okay with me.

Grrrrr... I seem to have so much anger and sadness pouring out of me right now.

I'm going through a refining process. A heart refining process and to be honest it is quite painful. It won't last forever though... and it will be a pretty amazing heart to have once all is said and done. It's already a pretty amazing heart... it just needs to work through some of this stuff right now.

2009... here we go baby!

It's a New Year!!! How exciting!

New Year Resolutions... here we go...

1. Create a budget. Ever since I have been in control of my own finances.. I pretty much spend money when I want to. I want to take responsibility for my spending and create an environment that makes saving a priority.
2. Create and sustain a healthy lifestyle. Yep... this means healthy eating and exercise. Yuk. Haha. I'm joining in with the Bridge Community Church Biggest Loser Competition, joining Sun Oaks today, and I have a private competition with Michael going on. Good ol' competition hehe.
3. Manage my home.That means keeping the actual house clean, being consistent with my kids, and getting my laundry put away.
4. Discover more about who I am, what I want, and what my passion is. I've started going to school (I got another A!) to pursue my degree in psychology. I want to figure out what I want out of the rest of my everyday life. I want to discover my purpose.
5. Healthy relationships. I started this goal last year, but why not just continue it on. I'm off to a good start with quite a few of my friends and family members... but I still have a ways to go. It's amazing being able to pursue this goal daily with Michael and the kids.
6. Get Married. Haha jk jk... I threw that one in there for my Daddy. While things with Michael are going PHENOMENALLY I love him very much and would love to be able to commit to him I still have things I need to figure out before I would be able to marry him. Like... meeting these resolutions head on and creating a support system of women in my life. I pretty much suck at relationships with women... and I need to change that in order to have a healthy relationship with a man.

So... that's where I'm at... I'm going to head to the gym and sign up this morning. I'm really excited to get this all started. One day at a time. It's taken me a long time to build up all of these unhealthy patterns and mindsets. It's going to take a while to change them. I'm committed to doing this though. I surrender my life once more to God... give me the strength and direction to take on these challenges.