Learning

These are the things that I have been learning lately:

- Relationships are always more important then projects.
- I can't take responsibility for other people's lives.
- I HAVE to take responsibility for MY life.
- I HATE biology. Scientific study... whoa boy that's lameness.
- Just because I am a leader, doesn't mean I have to control everything.
- My heart will be restored, it just takes time.
- God wants me to trust him... so he can bless me.... as my faith grows... so will the blessings. <---- I LOVE that one =)
- Listening includes asking questions, not sharing personal experiences.
- I really should get back to my reading.
- My new task chair is the COOLEST chair EVER! See pic below =) =) =) Except for mine is in RED!!!!

Education and Restoration

I have decided to write a blog... on what I'm not sure yet... we'll just have to see what happens. I just got done doing some of my homework for my Sociology class. Wow.. so I'm not a huge fan of Sociology... a little bit too much of a liberal socialistic perspective then I care to put up with... we are talking hundreds and hundreds of pages of a perspective that just sounds plain whiny to me.

It did get me thinking tonight about education though. I think that our public educational system is one thing in this country that should be equal across the board... for EVERY child. It's not. Since this doesn't directly effect me (because I live in a school district that has an AMAZING public school system) it is difficult to dwell on this too much. It breaks my heart though that there are so many children that aren't given an equal opportunity because they live in a district that has low funding for their schools. I really hope that one day in America we will wake up and realize how important education is.

So... change of subject... I have been facing some past hurts... still. There are a lot of them I guess. WHATEVER. Anyhow, I am beginning to face up to some issues that are incredibly painful for me... but I am doing it! Be proud of me. Have you ever heard of soul ties? That's the main issue I am facing at the moment. I have connected myself through physical and emotional means to people that God did not want me to and now I have this connection to them. LAME. So.. I gave these random people pieces of my heart and now my heart is left broken and connected to all of these people that it shouldn't be. Which leaves me in a place where I need to claim God's restoration in my life.

AMAZING!!!! =) Restoration is possible and God has a commitment to restore my heart to me so that I can give it back to him. It is really cool (painful and not easy) but incredible all the same. I just wanted to share about that a little bit. I am going to start reading a book to learn a little bit more about it... and I will probably blog a little bit more about it. Because it is so phenomenal and I would love to share it with anyone who has been in my shoes.

Restoration baby!

Quote

"In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
-Aeschylus

Salinas Trip

 

 

 

 

Headed Out of Town

I really am excited to share a little bit about the amazing weekend I had with Michael when we visited Grammy and Leroy in Salinas this past weekend. They showed us around town and we even got to spend some time in Monterey and Carmel. Here are a few of my favorite pictures from our trip:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had such an amazing time! I was able to reconnect a little bit with my Grammy. I have missed her so much and I really want to be able to find a way to be a part of her new life that she is creating. It hurts and it's new, but I know that it will be wonderful when it happens.

The most stellar thing about my weekend though were the precious memories that I created with Michael. That man... he is the most incredible man... the sweetest man... that man that I am in love with. I won't gush too much about it, but WOW I am such a blessed woman to have God bring a man like that into my life. :)

Healthy Holidays

I'm thinking ahead to the holidays. I love the holidays!!! I'm already pretty stressed about it this year though. Everything is different this year, everything is new. Have I mentioned yet how difficult change is for me? Holidays are a time for family and at this moment I feel like my family has stretched into so many different directions that I don't even know how to begin to handle it all. There is structure and safety, the familiar, the new, and then there is the wild card.

The wild card in my life is what I am having the most difficulty with right now. I just got off of the phone and I really just need to grrrrr this out at the moment.

I need to do the best thing for me during the holidays and expect everyone else in my life to do the same.

That is so difficult to accept. I want so much to break myself into a million pieces so that I can be where everyone would like for me to do be. That is just insane though... right? Hah.. oh well... it is my goal to have a happy holiday season full of healthy relationships with my friends and family. I know that if I put it all under God's control it will all be taken care of. I just wish that it wasn't such a darn challenge to keep healthy boundaries!

Slow Down

It can be so difficult for me to take care of myself when I feel so many responsibilities weighing me down. That is my challenge. In the midst of all of the deadlines and expectations, to still find the time to take care of myself. I hate slowing down to actually think about how I am feeling.

So, today I was talking with Michael about all of the things I needed to get done. I have a paper to write, Christian's homework, dinner, reading with the kids, washing some clean socks... the list continues. He helped me to see that the only way that I would be able to effectively get any of that done would be to start the night by taking some time for myself.

What a foreign concept!!! I've heard it so many times before and I'm sure that it works great... when you do it. Not so easy to actually do it though. At least for me. I took some time to start my evening, but probably not enough. After I am done here I am going to take some time to just sit and spend time with God. I know that will change my night and make it so much easier to finish taking care of what needs to get done.

I am like a drowning woman who keeps trying to save herself. I continue to struggle against my rescuer instead of just staying still and allowing them to take care of me. Thank you God for taking care of me... thank you for your patience... your mercy... your blessings... and your grace!!!

The Struggle

I am really struggling tonight. I miss my Papa. I want to spend time with him and tell him what is happening in my life. Everywhere I turn I am reminded again how much I miss him. I have been reminded of him so many times the past week and it has been tearing me apart. I long to hear him approve of the choices I am making in my life. I long to just sit in the same room as him and enjoy his presence. I am tired of crying.

There is a selfish spirit rising up in my heart right now. I really need to turn it over to God. This is one of those times where it would be so simple to throw a pity party for myself and stay there as long as possible. I am hurting. I don't want to accept the way things are right now, I would love to deny my sadness. I would love to distract myself and so far that is how I have been facing this, with as many distractions as I can muster.

So.. just now on the radio the song, "It feels like home to me" by Chantal Kreviazuk came on. I miss feeling safe and at home. The only way that I will be able to find the safety and peace that I am looking for is to turn to God. There is no other person or thing that will be able to give me that feeling except for Him. I don't want to admit that is true. I really want to try and find that somewhere else, anywhere else, believe me I have tried. It never works. I only end up hurting myself until I realize that I need to surrender it all to God all over again.

Great things are going to happen, I know that they must be right around the corner. I never struggle as much as when God is about to do an AMAZING work in my life. Sabotage I tell you... sabotage... the devil just can't handle it. Whatever. Sucks for him, because I am going to take care of my stuff and fulfill the role God has for me. By just allowing myself to realize that I am preparing myself to fight and win.

Freewrite

I want to connect and so I search and search, but no connection can be found. I run ahead trying to catch up to my love, but I can never reach him. If only I would just sit and rest, I would be able to see that I am in my beloved’s presence. There is no reason to waste my energy trying to find him, because he has never left me. The more I struggle to see him, the harder it is for me to hear what he is speaking into my life. My heart is changing every day and I still search. I shout out for him to answer me, when my answer has already come. I want to see him in everything. I want to stop trying to do this on my own. Why do I struggle so much against just resting in you? It is so hard to accept that there is nothing that I can do FOR you. There is nothing that I can do to redeem the life of sin that I live. Nothing would ever be enough. You are able to love me because of your grace; it has nothing to do with me. How could God be so good? Everyone else expects so much and the creator of the universe expects nothing. Nothing except for my heart.

Isaiah 30

Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved.In quietness and confidence is your strength.But you would have none of it. So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion.For the Lord is a faithful God.Blessed are those who wait for his help.