Identity

I am searching for the answer to the grandest question of all time: Who am I? It's a journey that has led me to some pretty intense realizations. This is a really hard question for me to answer, because I typically answer it with: Who do you want me to be? I allow for others to define who I am. I don't react based on the truths that I hold within myself... I react based on what I believe others want.

Lately I have been stretching myself in so many directions, that it's not surprising that there aren't very many people who know me well at the moment. I am experimenting. I'm testing things out and trying to figure out what it is that I really want, I'm pursuing my future. I'm not really sure what that looks like at the moment, but I want to though.

I allow myself to get so caught up in "self-improvement". There are so many things that I want to change about my life. So many things that I want to do with this amazing life God has given me... I just take step after step in that new direction. I'll read books, change habits, restructure priorities. I'm a practical person and those are all practical ways to obtain change. I am a goal setter, which is totally good. I see the goal in front of me and then I start figuring out the steps it will take for me to get there. I have a lot going on right now... lots of goals... lots of steps... I'm getting there, but it's exhausting.

I want more then a practical change in my life! I want a change that is only capable through God. Which means doing something that makes no sense to me... being still. Being still and just resting and spending time with Him. He is capable of changing my heart in every way. Goodness... he can give me a NEW heart!

The King and I

I've been doing really well eating healthier... but last night I went to Burger King. I was on my dinner break from my night class, I needed to pick up a game called "Settlers of Catan" for Michael's birthday party (which they only sell at Barnes and Noble apparently), I had skipped lunch so I could make it to my Dad's work birthday party, the clock was ticking, and I was desperate for quick hunger relief. So I went to the drive through at Burger King. It was nasty... I was starving... and it made me sick. I don't think you'll catch me with a greasy burger anytime soon.

So.. I'm sick. It's really lame. I'm trying to get healthy. Pray people. Pray.

Why Church?

I have been regularly attending Bethel Church for close a year now. It is an amazing fellowship that I have really been blessed to attend. The past couple of weeks I have really been struggling with attending church for some reason. With everything that has been keeping me busy lately it has just felt like another thing on my list of "to do" items. I really was looking for some inspiration to refuel my fire and I came across the following article:

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday."I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today."

No comments were made on the sermon contents anymore.

Update on my Resolutions

Here's a little bit of an update on my resolutions:


1. Create a budget. I have been able to create a manageable budget by using cash and checks more and keeping track of my receipts.
2. Create and sustain a healthy lifestyle. I go to the gym practically EVERY day. I was there at 5:30am this morning. Since I have started I have lost a total of 9.7 pounds! I won the Biggest Loser competition this week AND I've beaten Michael in our weight loss challenge for 2 weeks in a row!
3. Manage my home. I am really impressed with myself in this area. It's not an easy thing for me, but I've been doing it! I haven't been perfect, but I've stayed on top of everything and kept it manageable... yes even laundry.
4. Discover more about who I am, what I want, and what my passion is. I've been reading and pursuing this... it's getting good... I'll share more later.
5. Healthy relationships. Totally moving forward... I'm working on vulnerability right now.
6. Get Married. I have a ring on that "special" finger. Ha! Which has thrown everyone for a loop, but it's really just a ring that my Daddy and Grammy gave me for my 21st birthday. I normally wear it on the other hand, but my ASL class makes it uncomfortable to wear on my right hand right now.

Mentor, Friend, and Student

In my life I am searching for three different types of relationships with women. I am looking for someone to whom I can look up to, who can pour into me, and challenge me to push harder... a mentor. I am looking for someone who is experiencing all of this right by my side and who I can be challenged by as well as challenge... a friend. Finally, I am looking for someone that I can pour into... a student. These aren't the only relationships that I have, but they are the relationships that I am searching for in order to help me discover more about who I am and what I want.

My very dear and forever friend Erynn came up to visit me last night. She is my "friend" in this journey that I am taking right now. God placed that wonderful woman in my life 15 years ago... is that right? Goodness gracious... she is the longest friend that I have ever had. I invited her up to spend some time with me and it was absolutely incredible getting to connect with someone who is right at my level. Erynn has always had a very parallel life to my own. It is very different in countless way, but God has a way of pulling us through some of the same issues at the same time.






So... I got to spend time with my friend. Last night we went for Thai food, gelato (at Sweet Spot... if you haven't gone you totally should go it's delish and healthier than ice cream!), and then came back to my house painted pictures, drank wine, did face masks, and talked. Then this morning we went to a yoga class and out to a yummy lunch at Cheesecakes Unlimited. Needless to say it completely restored me after a busy week. It is so nice to be able to have someone in my life who truly knows who I am. It is marvelous being able to share something and have her be able to immediately relate to it. I am so happy that I have my friend. =)

That's only a portion of my journey though. I tend to surround myself with lots of "student" relationships. It's where I feel though most comfortable. There is a part of my codependent behavior that pops up and makes me feel more comfortable when I am "needed". It's been exciting to get to pour into the women in my life, with all of the new and wonderful things that I have been learning. I think that this desire is good and given to me by God to accomplish many amazing things, but I also think that it can be extremely unhealthy for me if I don't keep these relationships in balance. I get so caught up in sharing with these women what is going on in my life, and challenging them... that I forget that they didn't ask to be challenged by me. It's a delicate balance for me at the moment and I don't think that I am ready to be committed to being a mentor for anyone at the moment. I'm not worried about it though... I know that when I am where God wants me to be he will place those women in my life.

Then there leaves the relationship that I have been having the most difficult time obtaining: a mentor. Just the idea of it gives me a little bit of a shudder. To place someone in an authoritative role in my life, because they have something in their life that I want. It places me in uncomfortable position, because I become the one who is needing something. There is a part of me that thinks that there is something fundamentally wrong with that... I'm the one that is supposed to be needed... right? I think that may be part of the reason that I have had such a difficult time finding a mentor. It makes me vulnerable... which is scary. I want to grow though. I want to be able to see what it is that I want and have someone who knows first hand and is able to advise me on how to get it. I keep praying and praying and I know that God will bring her into my life someday... hopefully sooner then later.

Good, Better, Best

"Good, Better, Best" is something that my Dad frequently says to describe office furniture. Everything we have to offer at Scarbrough Office Design is good, better, or the best. Basically there is nothing bad. We choose to carry lines that are quality and we carry that quality in a variety of price ranges. The Good is our least expensive, Better is our mid-range, and Best is our top of the line products. All of them are products that we feel are worth putting our name behind. Whether it is "Good, Better, or Best" we want for Scarbrough Office Design to represent quality.

I was thinking about how that philosophy is applying to me as I continue to make changes and improvements in my life. God is good. EVERYTHING he made is good and of high quality. Including me... with all of my faults, flaws, and sins the place where I get to start is "good". There is nothing bad or disappointing about that, God creates high quality... and I am blessed to be a part of that... his creation.

So... that's Part 1... now here's Part 2. Is that good enough for me? Is that what I want? Nope. I want to be the "best". I know that sounds incredibly competitive, but it's not even about competition. It's about being the best... me... which isn't something I would be able to compete with anyone... because it's me... duh. Now wanting to be the best sounds like a lot of pressure, right? It sounds as though it would be like trying to achieve perfection or some nonsense like that... right?

Nope... it's a process. Sometimes I'll choose better then what I normally would and that's a step in the right direction. There will be times when I will have to be satisfied with being good, which is pretty amazing in itself. However, if I'm always trying to figure out what my best is... then I will be the best. Just being aware of what that looks like is a huge deal.

I'm learning new things about myself all the time and I've been spending a lot of my time and energy trying to figure out what I am most passionate about. I want purpose for my life in everything that I do. I love goals. I want to have that big all encompassing goal that is the basis for all the smaller ones. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm getting there. I'm moving from good, to better, and I will get to best.

Refining my heart...

I am an emotional eater. It is so hard to admit that. These past few days I have had a lot of things going on in my life. The same things that are typically there... but I have been choosing to eat healthy food instead of eat whatever I want. It sucks. Most of the time I'm not even physically hungry, I just have an emotion going on that makes me want to celebrate or comfort myself. I changed my life about a year and a half ago. I made a commitment to purity and it made quite an impact on me. It was a good change, the problem was that I had removed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and lumped them all into eating instead of fully dealing with what was going on. I have gained at least 20 pounds since then and the thought of giving this up is terrifying to me.

The last two days have been really rough on me. I am an emotional mess and I even have a hard time smiling. I love to smile... this is not me. All of those emotions that I have shoved down with food are all bubbling up to the surface. I have to give this to God, because if I don't I will just end up as a floundering mess. I am a floundering mess... haha... let's get real now. I've been super moody and unavailable to the people I love, I hate it.

I would love to just stay locked in my house right now and avoid everything and everyone. I have been going to the gym daily... and I over strained myself with the trainer on Tuesday and my muscles are hurting... seriously hurting. It makes me so sad that I allowed for my body to get to this point. I'm a beautiful girl that just happens to have a layer of fat that's distracting from my true beauty a bit. That's not okay with me.

Grrrrr... I seem to have so much anger and sadness pouring out of me right now.

I'm going through a refining process. A heart refining process and to be honest it is quite painful. It won't last forever though... and it will be a pretty amazing heart to have once all is said and done. It's already a pretty amazing heart... it just needs to work through some of this stuff right now.

2009... here we go baby!

It's a New Year!!! How exciting!

New Year Resolutions... here we go...

1. Create a budget. Ever since I have been in control of my own finances.. I pretty much spend money when I want to. I want to take responsibility for my spending and create an environment that makes saving a priority.
2. Create and sustain a healthy lifestyle. Yep... this means healthy eating and exercise. Yuk. Haha. I'm joining in with the Bridge Community Church Biggest Loser Competition, joining Sun Oaks today, and I have a private competition with Michael going on. Good ol' competition hehe.
3. Manage my home.That means keeping the actual house clean, being consistent with my kids, and getting my laundry put away.
4. Discover more about who I am, what I want, and what my passion is. I've started going to school (I got another A!) to pursue my degree in psychology. I want to figure out what I want out of the rest of my everyday life. I want to discover my purpose.
5. Healthy relationships. I started this goal last year, but why not just continue it on. I'm off to a good start with quite a few of my friends and family members... but I still have a ways to go. It's amazing being able to pursue this goal daily with Michael and the kids.
6. Get Married. Haha jk jk... I threw that one in there for my Daddy. While things with Michael are going PHENOMENALLY I love him very much and would love to be able to commit to him I still have things I need to figure out before I would be able to marry him. Like... meeting these resolutions head on and creating a support system of women in my life. I pretty much suck at relationships with women... and I need to change that in order to have a healthy relationship with a man.

So... that's where I'm at... I'm going to head to the gym and sign up this morning. I'm really excited to get this all started. One day at a time. It's taken me a long time to build up all of these unhealthy patterns and mindsets. It's going to take a while to change them. I'm committed to doing this though. I surrender my life once more to God... give me the strength and direction to take on these challenges.