Refining my heart...

I am an emotional eater. It is so hard to admit that. These past few days I have had a lot of things going on in my life. The same things that are typically there... but I have been choosing to eat healthy food instead of eat whatever I want. It sucks. Most of the time I'm not even physically hungry, I just have an emotion going on that makes me want to celebrate or comfort myself. I changed my life about a year and a half ago. I made a commitment to purity and it made quite an impact on me. It was a good change, the problem was that I had removed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and lumped them all into eating instead of fully dealing with what was going on. I have gained at least 20 pounds since then and the thought of giving this up is terrifying to me.

The last two days have been really rough on me. I am an emotional mess and I even have a hard time smiling. I love to smile... this is not me. All of those emotions that I have shoved down with food are all bubbling up to the surface. I have to give this to God, because if I don't I will just end up as a floundering mess. I am a floundering mess... haha... let's get real now. I've been super moody and unavailable to the people I love, I hate it.

I would love to just stay locked in my house right now and avoid everything and everyone. I have been going to the gym daily... and I over strained myself with the trainer on Tuesday and my muscles are hurting... seriously hurting. It makes me so sad that I allowed for my body to get to this point. I'm a beautiful girl that just happens to have a layer of fat that's distracting from my true beauty a bit. That's not okay with me.

Grrrrr... I seem to have so much anger and sadness pouring out of me right now.

I'm going through a refining process. A heart refining process and to be honest it is quite painful. It won't last forever though... and it will be a pretty amazing heart to have once all is said and done. It's already a pretty amazing heart... it just needs to work through some of this stuff right now.

Chaos

My mind is racing a mile a minute and it is hard to keep up with it all. I have my highs my lows... my inbetween... I am a woman... my emotions are fantastic and irritating all at the same time. Life can be busy for me: single mother, two kids, full time mom, part time student... mix in the family, friends and boyfriend and we have a fabulous mix... but a busy busy busy one.

Through all of the chaos it can be frustrating to try and listen to your heart. I know that it is important, but at the same moment there is a part of me that wonders... who has the time? I can't allow for that attitude to take control of me. If I stop listening to my heart, I will become stuck, eventually unhappiness will take over and I will have no idea why.

My heart desires a closer relationship with God. I know this and yet I still can find myself idiotically trying to fill my heart up with practically ANYTHING else. I run away. What a loving and merciful God who chooses to love me anyway. I place so many distractions between us and yet he continues to pursue me and let me know that when I am ready, he will still be there. I know I don't have forever... I have to choose better today.

I love making a list of my priorities and God typically makes the top of my list. Most of the time though it is probably just because I've thought he should be. I am learning that I need him to be. The only way that works is if I am able to reflect this decision with my time and actions.